Notices!

Sadly, my brief meteoric rise to the bottom of the top of the Michigan Novice Amateur placings is over. Somehow the skinny little teen that shows with me (you know who you are) managed to keep her name in the placings for youth. Uh huh, NOW I know how it works, apparently you have to place really well and not just be the only one that showed up to the Nov Am classes at the February show. Fine, if that is the way you want it MQHA, just fine!

I haven't been riding enough, I can tell you that, the Burglar is thrilled, however. Why is it he is really good when I ride him after time off? He is trying to reward me for not riding him, I know it, too bad, Burglar.

Since it is summer and the students have largely gone home to tan and work at the golf club for the summer, I will have a lot more time to screw around.

Well, I have been really busy at my 'job' . They call it that, I call it the scourge of the riding classes, to pervert an Oscar Wilde quote. Well the Turd Burglar is doing pretty great, although he had to give up his big, cushy foaling stall for a warmblood. That's what the Turd Burglar gets for being a mere 15.3h and not having a hydrocephalic head and a big fat ass!

I spent my entire lesson on Monday negotiating 4 lope poles! dear god, is there any hope?

There is a new class of horse kooks, the amateur farriers. These people are crazy, just as crazy as any horse Kook can be. They fill the forums with yapping about angles, contracted heels, barefoot trims, 'methods' of trimming and other such drek.

Now here is the thing, I don't know jack about feet, but at least I admit this. Farrier schools aren't like check cashing places, I don't think they are on every corner, so where are all these multitudes of people (who have HOURS to spend on the web dispensing advise) learning all this stuff? Do they follow their farrier around? Can you imagine that poor bastard's day? Some yahoo posts a picture of their backyard horse's feet and it is off to the races for these hoof enthusiasts.

The strangest thing I have read lately is a hoofie (that is what I will call them from now on) asking a poster why she has shoes on her 3 year old at all? I didn't know being young ment you could automatically go shoe free! when are shoes manditory then? 16? 25? Hoofies are very worried about everyone else's horses hooves, because they are pretty sure YOUR horses are suffering silently from whatever YOUR shitty farrier is doing to them. Oi Vey! really? so having a big, freaking expensive horse isn't enough of a hobby? you have to have a horsie MICRO-hobby? How about you come clean my house instead, that would get you off the bulletin boards and away from your long-suffering farrier and get the tumbleweeds of elkhound fur out from under my couch! Its a Win-Win!

Ciao!

Not Horse Related, sadly

Believe it or not it has been over a week since I was last at the barn. I officially have the horse D.T.s. I am beginning to question their existance, a problem that I hope will be remedied by going to the barn tonight and riding the crap out of the Burglar. Turdy baby! Momma's coming!

Ok, I was in New York City this past weekend and I have to share my impressions. New Yorkers are actually not that rude, I expected to be yelled at a lot, but I wasn't. Once I figured out that there is no way to get actually get out of anyone's way, and they don't really expect you to, me and NYC got along just fine.

I was expecting New Yorkers to be more like circuit people, yelling at you, cutting you off and agressively passing, but New Yorkers are much more polite than circuit people. Go figure.

New Yorkers wear ridiculous shoes, and they walk A LOT. That city must be the bunion capital of the world. They wear shoes like these: young ladies and really old ladies alike. zoinks. The other thing I noticed about New Yorkers is that they will wear absolutely anything they can get their hands on, on their head. I swear knitted monstrosities, gigantic rabbit fur Russian hats, beer can hats, kittens, potted plants, you name it. Do you know what an effort you have to make to wear gigantic bug-eye sunglasses on the subway? I can not imagine taking them off, navigating your way to the platform, then sticking them back on for the train ride any more than I can imagine actually making it to the train with them on and NOT hitting the third rail. Fey scarves are pretty popular too. New York guys wear the gayest shoes I have ever seen. Really, really gay shoes, and New Yorkers? what is up with the leather coats? do they give those away with NY state I.D. cards and Metrocards? They are really tacky and ugly. Yuck.

Here is a tip for OLD New York ladies, ass loads of make-up, dyed red hair and high-heeled cowboy boots are not a good look for you, you look like a washed up pole dancer from Reno.

Here is a tip for tourists, don't wear your NASCAR coat, and leave your chick with the over-curled, 'I have never been out of Indiana' bangs at home. I will say that hanging out with midwestern tourists is a lot of fun, but why on earth, would you go to a planetarium show at the Natural History Museum in NEW YORK CITY if you are a creationist? Do you like slamming your dick in the door? (don't answer that, you probably do, you sick evangelical bastard).

I did find a western shop in the Village, LOTS of pointy toed boots with fancy high heels. The great thing about it is that the "city folk" are SO getting hosed, a 2x felt hat for $150 bucks and Justin Basic ropers for $169. Tee hee, hillbilly's revenge.

Ciao!

Burglars and Bitches

Hooo man, a pretty busy weekend. Turd Burglar was, in my humble opinion an absolute angel, he tried soooooo hard not to burgle turds, he even resisted until my very last class. Our personal favorite, novice am western pleasure. I would be kind to say that TB was "phoning it in" at this point, in that he didn't really care what I wanted, he was going to fly around and pass and I could just go straight to hell if I didn't like it. Which is exactly where I ended up. Bastard.

Burglars get tired sometimes, soooo tired.

My deep embarrasment of a rope gate was oh-so-luckily caught on tape by my dear friends at the show, I am most certain I will never live that one down, but it was pretty awesome how badly I screwed it up. I cant think of one thing, besides falling off, I could have done to do the rope gate any "wronger". Good times, good times.

Well let me share with you all some observations about breed shows, especially big, competitive breed shows. Them bitches is good. Really good.

The other thing I noticed is that there was a decided and happy absence of the "long manes" everyone is so sure are making a comeback. Didn't see a damn one, actually. Thank God for being merciful.

Anyone who tells you that you can show breed without a trainer is freaking lying to you. I would have been curled up in a teeeny tiny ball - sniviling, sniviling and wetting, actually. If you are just starting out, you better get a trainer, or else you will end up wetting your pants and going home with dick-squat. Believe me Ammy's or open riders may be able to do it, but if you havent had like 400 years experience, you will be destroyed.

Body shave your horse, better yet, keep it under lights from Oct on, NOT ONE non-yahoo horse had even a hint of a hair coat.

Oh, and when did Novice Amateur mean 22 year olds? Where are all the old bags? I felt like a goddam geriatric case in my class, jealously eyeing the select classes, then thinking "them bitches are good too! Goddammit!"

I also learned that waiting for everyone else to screw up their go isn't the greatest strategy if you would like to place. Cause the bitches do NOT screw up their go's. Bitches. This has caused me to rethink my whole show strategy, cause that has pretty much been my plan up until now.

More is still brewing in my brain.

Ciao!

The Unseakable Vice of the Brits & Horses - You're doin' it wrong!

Well we had our first successful clinic in a long time, I think the combo of L. riding the snot out of the Turd Burglar earlier in the day and me kissing his ass through the whole clinic was the ticket! Hurray. It was a "buckleseat" (or as I like to call it now "the unspeakable vice of the Brits"). Luckily, I don't think the saddle is still crammed up my ass, I know because I pulled it out myself!

I will have everyone know that I managed to make the girth tight enough that my saddle did not slip whilst getting on! Ha Ha!!!! I wish I could take credit for the Burglar's awesomeness last night, but I think that L. got the STANK out of him and made him all lovely for me! Would you like a second job getting the STANK out of the TB? It pays nothing and is thankless, but the job security is AWESOME!

The Burglar's new trick when he has had enough of Eq patterns is to practice his flexibility. Of course he only wants to practice flexibility to the right, cause, you know that is the fun side. So instead of standing like a good SEVEN YEAR OLD HORSE, we snake our big ol' head to the right, rest it on my foot, put his lips on my pants, wipes off his slobber, and then he goes for the left, nibbles on my foot etc.... When I tell him to knock it off, we stretch our head out and yawn and yawn and yawn, cause, you know, we are so mature and grown up, then of course our canon bones are terribly itchy so we have to scratch them - oh it's time to do the pattern? run, run run be a turd burglar, wooo hooo! stop and wait again.....

Smacking the Burglar on the side of the neck does nothing to deter his pure love of flexing, I think it makes us want to flex more in fact, oh, and yawn.....

I have started a new element to my blog, it is called the "little bastard of the week" most likely it will have a mini on it, but it might have a pony, or the Turd Burglar depending on my mood.

Today I would like to talk to the first time horse owners out there. Snuggle up. Good? Comfy? Feeling all 'at-one-with-your-horse'? Yes?, Good. Well I have some news for you sunshine, you are wrong. It's true, what ever you are doing right at this moment with your horse, if your trainer didn't specifically tell you to do it, you are doing it wrong.

Now I know what you all are thinking, 'Exes, didn't you have a whole post about old hags that think they know everything? Are you turning into one of those old hags?' The answer is yes to the first question and 'shut up and pay attention" to the second. I didn't say the old bags -n- hags were wrong, just really annoying. In any case, I still hope you feel free to tell them to stick it, cause I hate them bitches.

Not very long ago, I, too was a new horse owner, and I should probably still be considered a new horse owner, because until only very recently could I make a decision, purchase or statement that wasn't completely, and utterly wrong. I will give you just a few Bona Fides to prove my genius:

The first gelding my sister and I owned, Toby, was a really great beginners horse, that is why we bought him. We fussed over that old bastard like you wouldn't believe, well one day we decide it would be really cute to smack him on the ass and let him run out into the field. I think as we did it a cold shiver ran up our trainer's spine, her Spidey-senses tingled as she thought to herself "someone is doing something incrediably stupid, I can feel it" Well, after taking him out to the field with a halter, chain lead and rope around his neck for the next three months, we too realized it was an incrediably retarded thing to do. Keep in mind, we didn't even know enough to figure out this might be a bad idea, it was our trainer who had to show us how to fix it, you think day care workers have it bad? Now can you imagine if my sister and I had been left to our own devices on this one?

I think we all remember my first two saddle choices, first Australian saddle, second dark oil western saddle. What can I say, I am a slow learner. There were many others, the first show halter I bought, for Toby, the 16.1HH gelding, mare size, yep, I don't think I had it out of the bag yet when R. went, "nope, take it back" goddamnit! I did everything she said, I swear, dark oil, brass fittings (english showmanship) chain lead, blah, blah, blah. But no, I chose WRONG, again.

There were many, many outfits, suggested and rejected and I must say, she was right. I remember admiring some puke at a show and R's comment was "you are NEVER picking your own horse" me, I got noooo problem with that! I learned long ago not to question, I am usually wrong.

First time horse owners for the most part make one mistake, and that is forgiving their horse's quirks and opinions too much. Pony wants to run you down, don't be afraid to smack his ass, hard. Pony threatens when you go to girth? Smack his ass, hard. Pony won't stand still? back him up and smack his ass, hard. Smacking is a good thing sometimes.

Your horse doesn't love you, heck your horse doesn't even care enough about you to love you. If you dropped dead in the field going to get your horse, he wouldn't even glance your way, unless it was to dig food out of your pockets. It upsets people to know this, because they think it can't possibly be true, but, of course, they are wrong about that.

Poor, poor Burglar, the verdict is in, you have been dubbed "not too bright". Well I guess I am not surprised, I actually don't think you are that bright either, but my motto is "I likes ma dogs smart and ma horses dumb!" I mean he is a gelding after all! You are such a cute little punkin though! Last night on the lunge line was hilarious, dear god I hope the TB doesnt look like that under saddle! Here are some representations of what the Burglar looks like on the lunge line: mmmm so purdy! Big ol' head scwunchy neck and gangly legs windmilling around, so graceful!!

Today we tackle the pure evil that is found in the horse world, - mini horses. I bet no one could guess that I LOVE minis!!! I want to collect them like beanie babies and name them things like 'Nutter Butter', 'Shotzy', Jub-Jub, and Clumpy. I would decorate their stalls with puffy hearts made with glitter glue and I would dress them up in bonnets and easter dresses, even if they were boys.

I want my minis to be HORRIBLE too. I want them to squeal and kick and bite children mercilessly. I want them to be rotten for the farrier (sorry B.) and have to pay him extra just to deal with their miserable little selves. I am going to take them everywhere, loaded in my econoline dirtbag van. Just like this lady:

I am going to talk about "showing" them, and making them jump over precious little jumps but I never will. I will let them get horribly fat like little tubs of butter, buttery LOVE, that is!

This one I would call Snickers, and he would be a little bastard.

This one would be Napoleon because he is so Itty Bitty! :

This one would be Mini Me cause he is a mini and he is goddamn adorable.

This one is the most awesome little bad ass in the UNIVERSE! Tell me he couldn't kick your ass, while biting your kid! Woo HOO Rock on Lil Mini Dude!

There, I have finally admitted my deepest, darkest, blackest secret. I love minis.

Good bye, I have to go perform a cleansing ritual, I will be back to my snobby stock horse best tomorrow.

Sadly, my brief meteoric rise to the bottom of the top of the Michigan Novice Amateur placings is over. Somehow the skinny little teen that shows with me (you know who you are) managed to keep her name in the placings for youth. Uh huh, NOW I know how it works, apparently you have to place really well and not just be the only one that showed up to the Nov Am classes at the February show. Fine, if that is the way you want it MQHA, just fine!





I haven't been riding enough, I can tell you that, the Burglar is thrilled, however. Why is it he is really good when I ride him after time off? He is trying to reward me for not riding him, I know it, too bad, Burglar.