Burglars and Bitches

Hooo man, a pretty busy weekend. Turd Burglar was, in my humble opinion an absolute angel, he tried soooooo hard not to burgle turds, he even resisted until my very last class. Our personal favorite, novice am western pleasure. I would be kind to say that TB was "phoning it in" at this point, in that he didn't really care what I wanted, he was going to fly around and pass and I could just go straight to hell if I didn't like it. Which is exactly where I ended up. Bastard.

Burglars get tired sometimes, soooo tired.

My deep embarrasment of a rope gate was oh-so-luckily caught on tape by my dear friends at the show, I am most certain I will never live that one down, but it was pretty awesome how badly I screwed it up. I cant think of one thing, besides falling off, I could have done to do the rope gate any "wronger". Good times, good times.

Well let me share with you all some observations about breed shows, especially big, competitive breed shows. Them bitches is good. Really good.

The other thing I noticed is that there was a decided and happy absence of the "long manes" everyone is so sure are making a comeback. Didn't see a damn one, actually. Thank God for being merciful.

Anyone who tells you that you can show breed without a trainer is freaking lying to you. I would have been curled up in a teeeny tiny ball - sniviling, sniviling and wetting, actually. If you are just starting out, you better get a trainer, or else you will end up wetting your pants and going home with dick-squat. Believe me Ammy's or open riders may be able to do it, but if you havent had like 400 years experience, you will be destroyed.

Body shave your horse, better yet, keep it under lights from Oct on, NOT ONE non-yahoo horse had even a hint of a hair coat.

Oh, and when did Novice Amateur mean 22 year olds? Where are all the old bags? I felt like a goddam geriatric case in my class, jealously eyeing the select classes, then thinking "them bitches are good too! Goddammit!"

I also learned that waiting for everyone else to screw up their go isn't the greatest strategy if you would like to place. Cause the bitches do NOT screw up their go's. Bitches. This has caused me to rethink my whole show strategy, cause that has pretty much been my plan up until now.

More is still brewing in my brain.

Ciao!

The Unseakable Vice of the Brits & Horses - You're doin' it wrong!

Well we had our first successful clinic in a long time, I think the combo of L. riding the snot out of the Turd Burglar earlier in the day and me kissing his ass through the whole clinic was the ticket! Hurray. It was a "buckleseat" (or as I like to call it now "the unspeakable vice of the Brits"). Luckily, I don't think the saddle is still crammed up my ass, I know because I pulled it out myself!

I will have everyone know that I managed to make the girth tight enough that my saddle did not slip whilst getting on! Ha Ha!!!! I wish I could take credit for the Burglar's awesomeness last night, but I think that L. got the STANK out of him and made him all lovely for me! Would you like a second job getting the STANK out of the TB? It pays nothing and is thankless, but the job security is AWESOME!

The Burglar's new trick when he has had enough of Eq patterns is to practice his flexibility. Of course he only wants to practice flexibility to the right, cause, you know that is the fun side. So instead of standing like a good SEVEN YEAR OLD HORSE, we snake our big ol' head to the right, rest it on my foot, put his lips on my pants, wipes off his slobber, and then he goes for the left, nibbles on my foot etc.... When I tell him to knock it off, we stretch our head out and yawn and yawn and yawn, cause, you know, we are so mature and grown up, then of course our canon bones are terribly itchy so we have to scratch them - oh it's time to do the pattern? run, run run be a turd burglar, wooo hooo! stop and wait again.....

Smacking the Burglar on the side of the neck does nothing to deter his pure love of flexing, I think it makes us want to flex more in fact, oh, and yawn.....

I have started a new element to my blog, it is called the "little bastard of the week" most likely it will have a mini on it, but it might have a pony, or the Turd Burglar depending on my mood.

Today I would like to talk to the first time horse owners out there. Snuggle up. Good? Comfy? Feeling all 'at-one-with-your-horse'? Yes?, Good. Well I have some news for you sunshine, you are wrong. It's true, what ever you are doing right at this moment with your horse, if your trainer didn't specifically tell you to do it, you are doing it wrong.

Now I know what you all are thinking, 'Exes, didn't you have a whole post about old hags that think they know everything? Are you turning into one of those old hags?' The answer is yes to the first question and 'shut up and pay attention" to the second. I didn't say the old bags -n- hags were wrong, just really annoying. In any case, I still hope you feel free to tell them to stick it, cause I hate them bitches.

Not very long ago, I, too was a new horse owner, and I should probably still be considered a new horse owner, because until only very recently could I make a decision, purchase or statement that wasn't completely, and utterly wrong. I will give you just a few Bona Fides to prove my genius:

The first gelding my sister and I owned, Toby, was a really great beginners horse, that is why we bought him. We fussed over that old bastard like you wouldn't believe, well one day we decide it would be really cute to smack him on the ass and let him run out into the field. I think as we did it a cold shiver ran up our trainer's spine, her Spidey-senses tingled as she thought to herself "someone is doing something incrediably stupid, I can feel it" Well, after taking him out to the field with a halter, chain lead and rope around his neck for the next three months, we too realized it was an incrediably retarded thing to do. Keep in mind, we didn't even know enough to figure out this might be a bad idea, it was our trainer who had to show us how to fix it, you think day care workers have it bad? Now can you imagine if my sister and I had been left to our own devices on this one?

I think we all remember my first two saddle choices, first Australian saddle, second dark oil western saddle. What can I say, I am a slow learner. There were many others, the first show halter I bought, for Toby, the 16.1HH gelding, mare size, yep, I don't think I had it out of the bag yet when R. went, "nope, take it back" goddamnit! I did everything she said, I swear, dark oil, brass fittings (english showmanship) chain lead, blah, blah, blah. But no, I chose WRONG, again.

There were many, many outfits, suggested and rejected and I must say, she was right. I remember admiring some puke at a show and R's comment was "you are NEVER picking your own horse" me, I got noooo problem with that! I learned long ago not to question, I am usually wrong.

First time horse owners for the most part make one mistake, and that is forgiving their horse's quirks and opinions too much. Pony wants to run you down, don't be afraid to smack his ass, hard. Pony threatens when you go to girth? Smack his ass, hard. Pony won't stand still? back him up and smack his ass, hard. Smacking is a good thing sometimes.

Your horse doesn't love you, heck your horse doesn't even care enough about you to love you. If you dropped dead in the field going to get your horse, he wouldn't even glance your way, unless it was to dig food out of your pockets. It upsets people to know this, because they think it can't possibly be true, but, of course, they are wrong about that.

Poor, poor Burglar, the verdict is in, you have been dubbed "not too bright". Well I guess I am not surprised, I actually don't think you are that bright either, but my motto is "I likes ma dogs smart and ma horses dumb!" I mean he is a gelding after all! You are such a cute little punkin though! Last night on the lunge line was hilarious, dear god I hope the TB doesnt look like that under saddle! Here are some representations of what the Burglar looks like on the lunge line: mmmm so purdy! Big ol' head scwunchy neck and gangly legs windmilling around, so graceful!!

Today we tackle the pure evil that is found in the horse world, - mini horses. I bet no one could guess that I LOVE minis!!! I want to collect them like beanie babies and name them things like 'Nutter Butter', 'Shotzy', Jub-Jub, and Clumpy. I would decorate their stalls with puffy hearts made with glitter glue and I would dress them up in bonnets and easter dresses, even if they were boys.

I want my minis to be HORRIBLE too. I want them to squeal and kick and bite children mercilessly. I want them to be rotten for the farrier (sorry B.) and have to pay him extra just to deal with their miserable little selves. I am going to take them everywhere, loaded in my econoline dirtbag van. Just like this lady:

I am going to talk about "showing" them, and making them jump over precious little jumps but I never will. I will let them get horribly fat like little tubs of butter, buttery LOVE, that is!

This one I would call Snickers, and he would be a little bastard.

This one would be Napoleon because he is so Itty Bitty! :

This one would be Mini Me cause he is a mini and he is goddamn adorable.

This one is the most awesome little bad ass in the UNIVERSE! Tell me he couldn't kick your ass, while biting your kid! Woo HOO Rock on Lil Mini Dude!

There, I have finally admitted my deepest, darkest, blackest secret. I love minis.

Good bye, I have to go perform a cleansing ritual, I will be back to my snobby stock horse best tomorrow.

Sadly, my brief meteoric rise to the bottom of the top of the Michigan Novice Amateur placings is over. Somehow the skinny little teen that shows with me (you know who you are) managed to keep her name in the placings for youth. Uh huh, NOW I know how it works, apparently you have to place really well and not just be the only one that showed up to the Nov Am classes at the February show. Fine, if that is the way you want it MQHA, just fine!





I haven't been riding enough, I can tell you that, the Burglar is thrilled, however. Why is it he is really good when I ride him after time off? He is trying to reward me for not riding him, I know it, too bad, Burglar.

The Elephant Burglar and Mind Numbingly Boring Trail Riding

The Burglar was SOOOO happy yesterday, because he got ridden in a snaffle. Better than candy to the Burglar, no horrible spring loaded evil touching his soft, velvety and oh-so sensitive palate. He likes the snaffle because we can fall on our forehand, which makes us trip, and mommy cant lift up the front end you see because woo hoo who cares I am in a snaffle! Booger.

We had a good ride, actually, if he doesn't lose his mind we should be o.k. at the show next weekend. Poor Burglar, I put him out in the field, turned around and whammo! hood is pulled over our head and we can now only see out of one earhole (eeeevil blue eye staring!). My sister said he looked like the elephant man, "I am not a show pony, I am a Turd Burglar!!!". So I took advantage of the fact that he couldn't see me and snuck up on him and fixed it. Burglar? Why do you run from mommy like a dork?

O.K. I was going to post a picture of the Elephant Man but the pictures were grossing me out. I know what you are thinking, 'detox poo doesn't gross you out but the elephant man does?' what can I say but CORRECT!

So today I am going to talk about trail riding and trail riders.

Here's the thing, trail riders, you, yes YOU are the reason that people who don't ride don't consider riding a real sport. That is because it takes all the talent, balance and skill of a fresh corpse (even post-rigor mortis if you position them right) to trail ride. Every asshole says the same thing "its work for the horse, not you" That is when I stick dear husband on a pony in an english saddle and say, "o.k. asshole - post for 45 minutes". To be fair, hubby has learned his lesson, and when he gets uppity, I remind him how much he enjoyed in his words "a small child using my nuts for a punching bag"

So thanks for making my life miserable. I don't mind pony rides, heck we all loved them when we were 5 years old, but lets not pretend that trail riding is anything other than an pony ride for the over-40 set, o.k.? Cause it isn't. Especially now that all you Geritol types have discovered how smooth them Tennesse walkers and rocky mountain gaited disasters are.

I find it confusing that the people with the least riding skill feel compelled to get liquored up and ride around all day on barely broke horses over logs and through rivers and crap.

I have been on trail rides, sweet Jesus they are boring, they are usually on some horrible mistake of a horse (my last trail ride was on a an ex-bronc from the rodeo - Great F-ing Idea for a trail horse) my stirrups cranked up around my ears we took off on a half hour long pony ride. It is really boring, I wish I had been liquored up, perhaps it would have been fun.

My favorite is when trail riders get uppity and say things like "I'd like to see your show horse out on a trail crossing water and logs" well just because I dont slam my fingers in a car door for fun, doesn't mean I can't.

Ciao!

A Friday Limerick and "REAL" Hunters

There once was a Burglar of Turds
Who vowed never to finish third
each event was a Race,
alas, never to place
'cause mom treats me like I'm a nerd!


Oh, have I mentioned the clinic on Wednesday? Me. Want. Kill. Burglar. Burglar you are a naughty, naughty horse! How embarrasing is it when poor poor trainer has to get on you, Burglar? HMMM!?! Even the kid who was going to flip his horse over didn't have to get his wonderful, pokey, pokey spurs taken away, not to mention his big, spring-loaded spoon mouth bit? HMMMMM!?!

There is a horrible rumor going around that maybe, just maybe, I need to not be pokin' the Burglar so much with the "happy mommy" spurs. This rumor is followed by the pernicious suggestion that I might, just might, have to do a little Burglar butt smooching during his more spasmodic episodes. Oh TB, if you werent so wonderful, I might hate you.


Yep not exactly a rousing success on Wednesday night. We are still figuring out what makes the TB tick, butt kissing or ass beating or a combo platter? Seems like the combo platter is the ticket. Although he is so damn cute! I mean look at the Burglar:

Big pwittty white sock-ums, blonde, gorgeous, flowing hair. O.K. I forgive you Burglar!




Ok, My topic today is hilarious, it is Fox Hunting (good one right?) This is the funniest thing I have ever seen, but it is even better when people talk about it on the internet. God Damn, this is hilarious! Apparently there is some sort of "caste" system in the hunter/jumper/eventer/dressage/foxhunting world. It is some complex flow chart of who rides the best, who's horses suck and who is keeping it more "real". This is where the Europeans step in to school it ignorant masses and it makes for some of the most entertaining shit on the web. So on a recent bulletin board, some idiot started a post about "hunters" and how much they suck or something. So this snotty little shit comes on whose screen name is "Hunter Princess" (oh, I know, it gets better) starts getting all pissy with the stadium jumping morons, blah blah blah. Most of that was pretty much mind-numbing gas-bagging, when the QUEEN OF ALL GAS BAGS comes on to tell the dam colonists how unauthentic they are. This is her post:

"I agree with the OP. But it's more about the name, then anything. If it wasn't called 'Hunters', I would just ignore it, but to me, it's an insult to a sport that requires a much higher level of riding, ie Hunting. The forward seat is ridiculous, the horses travel flat and slow and manage to drag themselves over minute jumps without the slightest bit of impulsion. It makes me cringe. I very much doubt a rider, or even a horse, that competes solely in Hunter classes could ever Hunt in 'real life', they probably couldn't keep up with the field, and I bet the horse would fall on his nose the moment he was presented with a decent sized hedge. You're looking at drops of more then 6 feet, and great, wide, solid objects to be jumped from a gallop, and that's just a normal day's hunting, not over particularily big country. We have Hunter classes in the UK, too, but solid RID type horses win, and you're expected to jump 4' rustic jumps from a working canter, and display a gallop. These are used to test the ability of REAL HUNTERS. '

What a goddam windbag, Jesus! I did however, laugh my ass off because then all the hunters got all pissy etc. True internet comedy. Apparently, and I did not know this, "real" Eurotrash
hunters are better than stadium jumpers and stadium jumpers are better than A-Circuit hunters but A-Circuit hunters are better than stock horse hunting because, you guessed it, it is stock horse hunters. I would make up a flow chart but I don't care that much.



The clothes look like any womanish gear for English riding, but I am sure, it is much better than anything around here. I think it is made from the downy hair of newborn serfs from their village, at least the ones that the Lord isn't related to. "Men" for lack of a better term have to wear the red coat, cause, you know, it is so manly, and everybody gets to wear a flappity cravat-shirt thing. If you are really foppish, you get a yellow vest, which signifies you have syphilus, passed down from King George.
They do this kind of crap in the U.S. too, but mostly it is confined to, you guessed it, the south. do you really need any more reason to hate it than that? Somewhere in there I am sure saddleseat has its rancid beginnings, I am sure of it. This sport, while harmless in that almost no one wants to be seen doing something this fruity, is truly one of the more amusing things I have found on the web lately. Can you smell the exclusivity and assholy-ness, I sure can!

Ta Ta for now!

Ugly Ugly Tack

Hello Everyone!

Uneventful lesson last night, trail trail trail, I am living, eating and sleeping trail. Watching youtube trail videos, thinkin' 'bout lope poles, trot poles... up and over, turn, TURN!

Today's topic is ugly tack, I took on "buckleseat" a couple of weeks ago, so now it is western's turn. There is a piece of tack that I hate so much that I can barely write about it without blacking out. It is the breast collar, I hate it, it is ugly and useless, and if you find it useful, you are doing something stupid. To the right you will find some lovely examples of nylon breast collars mmmmmm, soo purty. How about that sweet purple one? I am sure it would look super cool while gaming. But you know, if you don't want all that nylony-ness. There is this butt ugly model, for the workin' hoss.

If you aren't wrasslin' doggies, and lets face it, no one is doing that, why would you have one of theses things? I suspect gamers use them, I have no proof of this, but I think I am on to something there. The thing I really don't understand is when people use them to show western pleasure, horsemanship etc. I know, it is more space to throw silver but, its ugly. I would hope nobody would go out an buy a silver breast collar, I mean I can understand the 4h-y mentality that dictates 'if it came with the saddle, I'm gonna use it' but does anyone actually purchase these thing independantly?

The next ugly piece of tack is perhaps, the most ghoulish devices ever created. It is: romel reins. Now, because God hates me, I think I am actually going to have to use this "thing" for my trail classes eventually. I can hear my sister laughing at me right now, it is a hollow, joyless laugh. Look at these things, they are horrible, it looks like a snake that swallowed some legos, ugh.

No! I have it! they look like the stuff people crap out when they go on "cleansing diets" and take a picture of their poo and send it to the detox diet site on the internet. Really what color is that besides baby diarrhea brown? they don't come in any other color, I checked. O. K. I am sorry that was really gross, but sometimes the truth is disgusting.

The next thing falls into a category into which I try not to delve too deeply. There seems to be some fascination with dangly things, not just any dangly thing mind you, but dangly things made of horse hair. As I suspected, whilst doing my research instead of working at my job, I have found that this is some kind of vaquero ranchy california thing. I am seeing a disturbing trend here. Here are some lovely examples of the dangly tack:

Look, it even comes with a breastcollar, (of course it does).

Apparently you can attach these dangly things anywhere you like, look really closely at the following image, under the horse? hell, why not? Look at all the crap going on here wow, white noise for your eyes. Of course it has a breast collar, and lots of ropy, tie-y things. The image to the right, THREE? tassels, is this really necessary? How many flies are you people expecting? Well that is about all I have energy for today. There is more ugly tack, I assure you. We will get to it all I am sure. Western clinic tonight, I will update you all on the relative burglary-ness of our ride.

Ciao!

Trail idiots (that arent the Burglar!) and buyin' -n- sellin'

Rode Thursday night and over the weekend, Burglar seems to be coming along just fine. Maybe soon I will attempt to try the lead change my trainer is putting on him. Doing all these trail poles has gotten me used to not being left behind when the Burglar is launching himself into his poles, so maybe I can keep up with his lead changes. So the new client at our barn is turning out to be a bit of a nut, she has an aged mare, who isn't a bad horse, but just has learned to push this lady's buttons. Personally, I think this lady is WAY TOO timid to own a horse at all. She doesn't really want to learn to ride, she just wants her horse to be good, which it will never be for her. So what does a timid rider decide to do? Buy an arab! of course, it makes sooo damn much sense! Her other genius idea was to buy a weanling. Christ on a bike lady, why don't you buy a stallion while you are at it!

All of this would be none of my damn business, aside from being pretty funny, if the woman hadn't complained that me and another rider were in the arena during her lesson. WTF? bitch rolls in twice with her trail horse and is preturbed because what? the Burglar was going along so quiet? That he wasn't rearing and striking on the lunge line? That I wasn't jangling around and too loose to canter? hmmmmm. Nice way to make friends, idiot. You want a trail horse, aren't they supposed to be exposed to everything? argh. What a freak.

Anyway, my topic today is on buying and selling a horse. First, the buyers. When you are buying a horse, and I shouldn't have to tell anyone this, make sure you get your trainer's opinion.

Don't have a trainer? that must mean you are a trainer/breeder, right?

No?

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO ME!

If you don't have a trainer or instructor, and you aren't a trainer or instructor, you probably shouldn't be picking your own horse. I am sure plenty of people have picked their own horse, but I am guessing that in 75% of the cases, it was a total disaster. If you don't have a trainer, you are a juicy bone for the pickin', and you WILL be picked clean. Here is a clue for you, vet checks are largely useless especially if you are too cheap to pay for x-rays. Don't bother wasting everyone's time and your money. I trust 2, maybe three vets to do a vet check, the other ones are idiots or kooks, sometimes both, and that is if you are lucky and don't get a totally crooked vet who will fail or pass anything with a heartbeat.

Please people, stop expecting a horse in its 10+ year to vet clean, it isn't going to. That doesn't mean it is crippled, think of doing a vet check on yourself, you wouldn't vet clean either, but would you hold up to daily use? Yeah, you would.

If you come out and ride a horse five times, then watch it being ridden even more and it is sound everytime you have come out, it is probably o.k.. You ain't buying One Hot Krymsun here lady, you are probably getting what you are paying for, if you aren't stupid, that is.

O.K. Sellers, here is my beef with you. If your horse is priced under 10K, it is priced 2K too high. I can say that right off the top of my head. 5 years ago your solid paint, open show quality horse might, (I said might) have been worth $7,000. today, it is worth $4,000 tops. Anything you feel like pricing at $5,000 will get sold at $3,800. Them's the breaks, the depreciation catches up as soon as you reach the limit of what your horse can do.

Then there are the people who are really, truely smoking crack. We had one at my barn, thank god she is gone now. Had a rank-ass mare, 15.3HH on a good day, kinda cute in HUS but really, come on, she was too small and her front end was WAY too noisy for western pleasure. No mind for patterns. No points, finalist in showmanship at congress. (really this means nothing, any horse can do showmanship, come on...) $25K non-negotiable. Well turns out it was negotiable after all, by about $15,000 actually, which is what that puke was probably worth anyway. Not that I would have taken that horse if it was free, yuck!

So, that is about it. EVERYONE has heard that a horse is worth what someone will pay for it, this is one of the few true things a horseperson will tell you.

Ciao!