The Elephant Burglar and Mind Numbingly Boring Trail Riding

The Burglar was SOOOO happy yesterday, because he got ridden in a snaffle. Better than candy to the Burglar, no horrible spring loaded evil touching his soft, velvety and oh-so sensitive palate. He likes the snaffle because we can fall on our forehand, which makes us trip, and mommy cant lift up the front end you see because woo hoo who cares I am in a snaffle! Booger.

We had a good ride, actually, if he doesn't lose his mind we should be o.k. at the show next weekend. Poor Burglar, I put him out in the field, turned around and whammo! hood is pulled over our head and we can now only see out of one earhole (eeeevil blue eye staring!). My sister said he looked like the elephant man, "I am not a show pony, I am a Turd Burglar!!!". So I took advantage of the fact that he couldn't see me and snuck up on him and fixed it. Burglar? Why do you run from mommy like a dork?

O.K. I was going to post a picture of the Elephant Man but the pictures were grossing me out. I know what you are thinking, 'detox poo doesn't gross you out but the elephant man does?' what can I say but CORRECT!

So today I am going to talk about trail riding and trail riders.

Here's the thing, trail riders, you, yes YOU are the reason that people who don't ride don't consider riding a real sport. That is because it takes all the talent, balance and skill of a fresh corpse (even post-rigor mortis if you position them right) to trail ride. Every asshole says the same thing "its work for the horse, not you" That is when I stick dear husband on a pony in an english saddle and say, "o.k. asshole - post for 45 minutes". To be fair, hubby has learned his lesson, and when he gets uppity, I remind him how much he enjoyed in his words "a small child using my nuts for a punching bag"

So thanks for making my life miserable. I don't mind pony rides, heck we all loved them when we were 5 years old, but lets not pretend that trail riding is anything other than an pony ride for the over-40 set, o.k.? Cause it isn't. Especially now that all you Geritol types have discovered how smooth them Tennesse walkers and rocky mountain gaited disasters are.

I find it confusing that the people with the least riding skill feel compelled to get liquored up and ride around all day on barely broke horses over logs and through rivers and crap.

I have been on trail rides, sweet Jesus they are boring, they are usually on some horrible mistake of a horse (my last trail ride was on a an ex-bronc from the rodeo - Great F-ing Idea for a trail horse) my stirrups cranked up around my ears we took off on a half hour long pony ride. It is really boring, I wish I had been liquored up, perhaps it would have been fun.

My favorite is when trail riders get uppity and say things like "I'd like to see your show horse out on a trail crossing water and logs" well just because I dont slam my fingers in a car door for fun, doesn't mean I can't.

Ciao!

A Friday Limerick and "REAL" Hunters

There once was a Burglar of Turds
Who vowed never to finish third
each event was a Race,
alas, never to place
'cause mom treats me like I'm a nerd!


Oh, have I mentioned the clinic on Wednesday? Me. Want. Kill. Burglar. Burglar you are a naughty, naughty horse! How embarrasing is it when poor poor trainer has to get on you, Burglar? HMMM!?! Even the kid who was going to flip his horse over didn't have to get his wonderful, pokey, pokey spurs taken away, not to mention his big, spring-loaded spoon mouth bit? HMMMMM!?!

There is a horrible rumor going around that maybe, just maybe, I need to not be pokin' the Burglar so much with the "happy mommy" spurs. This rumor is followed by the pernicious suggestion that I might, just might, have to do a little Burglar butt smooching during his more spasmodic episodes. Oh TB, if you werent so wonderful, I might hate you.


Yep not exactly a rousing success on Wednesday night. We are still figuring out what makes the TB tick, butt kissing or ass beating or a combo platter? Seems like the combo platter is the ticket. Although he is so damn cute! I mean look at the Burglar:

Big pwittty white sock-ums, blonde, gorgeous, flowing hair. O.K. I forgive you Burglar!




Ok, My topic today is hilarious, it is Fox Hunting (good one right?) This is the funniest thing I have ever seen, but it is even better when people talk about it on the internet. God Damn, this is hilarious! Apparently there is some sort of "caste" system in the hunter/jumper/eventer/dressage/foxhunting world. It is some complex flow chart of who rides the best, who's horses suck and who is keeping it more "real". This is where the Europeans step in to school it ignorant masses and it makes for some of the most entertaining shit on the web. So on a recent bulletin board, some idiot started a post about "hunters" and how much they suck or something. So this snotty little shit comes on whose screen name is "Hunter Princess" (oh, I know, it gets better) starts getting all pissy with the stadium jumping morons, blah blah blah. Most of that was pretty much mind-numbing gas-bagging, when the QUEEN OF ALL GAS BAGS comes on to tell the dam colonists how unauthentic they are. This is her post:

"I agree with the OP. But it's more about the name, then anything. If it wasn't called 'Hunters', I would just ignore it, but to me, it's an insult to a sport that requires a much higher level of riding, ie Hunting. The forward seat is ridiculous, the horses travel flat and slow and manage to drag themselves over minute jumps without the slightest bit of impulsion. It makes me cringe. I very much doubt a rider, or even a horse, that competes solely in Hunter classes could ever Hunt in 'real life', they probably couldn't keep up with the field, and I bet the horse would fall on his nose the moment he was presented with a decent sized hedge. You're looking at drops of more then 6 feet, and great, wide, solid objects to be jumped from a gallop, and that's just a normal day's hunting, not over particularily big country. We have Hunter classes in the UK, too, but solid RID type horses win, and you're expected to jump 4' rustic jumps from a working canter, and display a gallop. These are used to test the ability of REAL HUNTERS. '

What a goddam windbag, Jesus! I did however, laugh my ass off because then all the hunters got all pissy etc. True internet comedy. Apparently, and I did not know this, "real" Eurotrash
hunters are better than stadium jumpers and stadium jumpers are better than A-Circuit hunters but A-Circuit hunters are better than stock horse hunting because, you guessed it, it is stock horse hunters. I would make up a flow chart but I don't care that much.



The clothes look like any womanish gear for English riding, but I am sure, it is much better than anything around here. I think it is made from the downy hair of newborn serfs from their village, at least the ones that the Lord isn't related to. "Men" for lack of a better term have to wear the red coat, cause, you know, it is so manly, and everybody gets to wear a flappity cravat-shirt thing. If you are really foppish, you get a yellow vest, which signifies you have syphilus, passed down from King George.
They do this kind of crap in the U.S. too, but mostly it is confined to, you guessed it, the south. do you really need any more reason to hate it than that? Somewhere in there I am sure saddleseat has its rancid beginnings, I am sure of it. This sport, while harmless in that almost no one wants to be seen doing something this fruity, is truly one of the more amusing things I have found on the web lately. Can you smell the exclusivity and assholy-ness, I sure can!

Ta Ta for now!

Ugly Ugly Tack

Hello Everyone!

Uneventful lesson last night, trail trail trail, I am living, eating and sleeping trail. Watching youtube trail videos, thinkin' 'bout lope poles, trot poles... up and over, turn, TURN!

Today's topic is ugly tack, I took on "buckleseat" a couple of weeks ago, so now it is western's turn. There is a piece of tack that I hate so much that I can barely write about it without blacking out. It is the breast collar, I hate it, it is ugly and useless, and if you find it useful, you are doing something stupid. To the right you will find some lovely examples of nylon breast collars mmmmmm, soo purty. How about that sweet purple one? I am sure it would look super cool while gaming. But you know, if you don't want all that nylony-ness. There is this butt ugly model, for the workin' hoss.

If you aren't wrasslin' doggies, and lets face it, no one is doing that, why would you have one of theses things? I suspect gamers use them, I have no proof of this, but I think I am on to something there. The thing I really don't understand is when people use them to show western pleasure, horsemanship etc. I know, it is more space to throw silver but, its ugly. I would hope nobody would go out an buy a silver breast collar, I mean I can understand the 4h-y mentality that dictates 'if it came with the saddle, I'm gonna use it' but does anyone actually purchase these thing independantly?

The next ugly piece of tack is perhaps, the most ghoulish devices ever created. It is: romel reins. Now, because God hates me, I think I am actually going to have to use this "thing" for my trail classes eventually. I can hear my sister laughing at me right now, it is a hollow, joyless laugh. Look at these things, they are horrible, it looks like a snake that swallowed some legos, ugh.

No! I have it! they look like the stuff people crap out when they go on "cleansing diets" and take a picture of their poo and send it to the detox diet site on the internet. Really what color is that besides baby diarrhea brown? they don't come in any other color, I checked. O. K. I am sorry that was really gross, but sometimes the truth is disgusting.

The next thing falls into a category into which I try not to delve too deeply. There seems to be some fascination with dangly things, not just any dangly thing mind you, but dangly things made of horse hair. As I suspected, whilst doing my research instead of working at my job, I have found that this is some kind of vaquero ranchy california thing. I am seeing a disturbing trend here. Here are some lovely examples of the dangly tack:

Look, it even comes with a breastcollar, (of course it does).

Apparently you can attach these dangly things anywhere you like, look really closely at the following image, under the horse? hell, why not? Look at all the crap going on here wow, white noise for your eyes. Of course it has a breast collar, and lots of ropy, tie-y things. The image to the right, THREE? tassels, is this really necessary? How many flies are you people expecting? Well that is about all I have energy for today. There is more ugly tack, I assure you. We will get to it all I am sure. Western clinic tonight, I will update you all on the relative burglary-ness of our ride.

Ciao!

Trail idiots (that arent the Burglar!) and buyin' -n- sellin'

Rode Thursday night and over the weekend, Burglar seems to be coming along just fine. Maybe soon I will attempt to try the lead change my trainer is putting on him. Doing all these trail poles has gotten me used to not being left behind when the Burglar is launching himself into his poles, so maybe I can keep up with his lead changes. So the new client at our barn is turning out to be a bit of a nut, she has an aged mare, who isn't a bad horse, but just has learned to push this lady's buttons. Personally, I think this lady is WAY TOO timid to own a horse at all. She doesn't really want to learn to ride, she just wants her horse to be good, which it will never be for her. So what does a timid rider decide to do? Buy an arab! of course, it makes sooo damn much sense! Her other genius idea was to buy a weanling. Christ on a bike lady, why don't you buy a stallion while you are at it!

All of this would be none of my damn business, aside from being pretty funny, if the woman hadn't complained that me and another rider were in the arena during her lesson. WTF? bitch rolls in twice with her trail horse and is preturbed because what? the Burglar was going along so quiet? That he wasn't rearing and striking on the lunge line? That I wasn't jangling around and too loose to canter? hmmmmm. Nice way to make friends, idiot. You want a trail horse, aren't they supposed to be exposed to everything? argh. What a freak.

Anyway, my topic today is on buying and selling a horse. First, the buyers. When you are buying a horse, and I shouldn't have to tell anyone this, make sure you get your trainer's opinion.

Don't have a trainer? that must mean you are a trainer/breeder, right?

No?

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO ME!

If you don't have a trainer or instructor, and you aren't a trainer or instructor, you probably shouldn't be picking your own horse. I am sure plenty of people have picked their own horse, but I am guessing that in 75% of the cases, it was a total disaster. If you don't have a trainer, you are a juicy bone for the pickin', and you WILL be picked clean. Here is a clue for you, vet checks are largely useless especially if you are too cheap to pay for x-rays. Don't bother wasting everyone's time and your money. I trust 2, maybe three vets to do a vet check, the other ones are idiots or kooks, sometimes both, and that is if you are lucky and don't get a totally crooked vet who will fail or pass anything with a heartbeat.

Please people, stop expecting a horse in its 10+ year to vet clean, it isn't going to. That doesn't mean it is crippled, think of doing a vet check on yourself, you wouldn't vet clean either, but would you hold up to daily use? Yeah, you would.

If you come out and ride a horse five times, then watch it being ridden even more and it is sound everytime you have come out, it is probably o.k.. You ain't buying One Hot Krymsun here lady, you are probably getting what you are paying for, if you aren't stupid, that is.

O.K. Sellers, here is my beef with you. If your horse is priced under 10K, it is priced 2K too high. I can say that right off the top of my head. 5 years ago your solid paint, open show quality horse might, (I said might) have been worth $7,000. today, it is worth $4,000 tops. Anything you feel like pricing at $5,000 will get sold at $3,800. Them's the breaks, the depreciation catches up as soon as you reach the limit of what your horse can do.

Then there are the people who are really, truely smoking crack. We had one at my barn, thank god she is gone now. Had a rank-ass mare, 15.3HH on a good day, kinda cute in HUS but really, come on, she was too small and her front end was WAY too noisy for western pleasure. No mind for patterns. No points, finalist in showmanship at congress. (really this means nothing, any horse can do showmanship, come on...) $25K non-negotiable. Well turns out it was negotiable after all, by about $15,000 actually, which is what that puke was probably worth anyway. Not that I would have taken that horse if it was free, yuck!

So, that is about it. EVERYONE has heard that a horse is worth what someone will pay for it, this is one of the few true things a horseperson will tell you.

Ciao!

The crash course in trail continues, I am officially dubious about our chances of success at the March show. My only chance is if the Burglar realizes that going as fast as you can is not the point of trail. I swear that the TB was a thoroughbred in a former life, oh, that's right he isn't stupid or crazy, so that couldn't be it! Trail makes our brainz smoke a little, but such a good boy!

It has been a whole two days and no one on the internet has called me an idiot, troll or a bitch, I feel kinda lonely.... Oh well I am sure I can piss someone off enough before the weekend. Apparently there are not that many people who find me funny, this is a little baffling to me because I am pretty sure I am hilarious, all my friends think so, and my mom does too. Doesn't that make it true?

Today I feel like emptying my mind of various opinions so here we go.

Can winter die already? really, and I like winter, I like it because I get to wear enough clothes to cover my fat and not be hot, but even I am getting sick of it. I hate when it is too cold to ride, which has happened way too many times this winter. Now the Burglar has to wear PJ's when I ride, and sometimes he forgets he has them on and scares himself when he turns a corner. This is not fair to the Burglar. Also it has to get warm so I can take off his hood before his entire mane and forlock rub out, the last thing I want is my sister and trainer to be able to tell me they told me so! It is a race against the clock at this point.

Thoroughbreds, I hate them, the only thing they are good for is making nice AQHA HUS horses, (sometimes) they can jump and run around really fast in a circle, they eat too much, spook too much, scream too much, and they are really, really stupid. They have no asses either, horses should have an ass. Oh and they have big, dumb ugly heads too. Anything that requires special feed so that it isn't too hyper to ride is a piece of shit. said it. not sorry. I know they are cheap to buy, but really if you want something that is cheap, stupid and ugly, why not buy an Arab? They at least can be ridden western (although this is debatable) and they are smaller so that when you fall off, it doesn't hurt as much. Above is a picture of a thoroughbred running off with someone, which is, I think, what they excel at.

This brings me to "saddle fit" why do hunter/jumpers and all english people have an obsession with saddle fit. "my horse rears" - must be saddle fit. "My horse bucks" - saddle fit. " My horse is retarded" - call the chiropracter and check your saddle fit. What kind of sissy horses do you people ride? I know they are always crippled but that is because you JUMP them over 11' jumps! not because their saddle doesn't fit. Hunter/jumpers LOVE to yap about how they never start a horse before it is like, 30 years old, thats the only way to get a normal useable lifespan out of those broken down OTTB POS's. Example at left, do YOU think this is a saddle fit issue?

Because god is merciful, I have no interaction with the actual people who do hunter/jumpers. I can only assume that I wont like them very much because I am sure that they probably hate stockhorses and it might turn into a Sharks vs. Jets rumble in which my gang wins.

So now I am an idiot.... tell me something I don't know!

Apparently my blog about Arabians didn't go over so well, imagine being offended by my humble ramblings? So now I am an "idiot", a troll and apparently someone "died and made me the brain of what is the best breed" (sic) . Look I keep telling people, you don't have to come here, but one of the more "unamused" decided to copy my entire blog on Arabs and paste it on Horse City. Now I stepped in it, I am now a pariah in the Arab world, -darn? Well today to show how equal opportunity offensive I can be I am going to talk about what I consider the harbinger of doom to all that is wonderful in the stock horse show world, the evil, senseless event called "reining".

Reining, as I have discussed before, is horrible. It has now become the "sport" of the backyard yahoo. I swear they only like it because they can fly around like idiots and wear ugly clothes. Let me start by listing everything I hate about reining:

-I hate the clothes: they are ugly, "ranchy" and did I mention ugly? example:

-I hate the tack: there is WAY too much going on with the tack, skid boots, breast collars (my fave), ugly saddle pads, ugly saddles, the possibility of Romel Reins (ug, shudder), and browband headstalls. mmmmm such a lovely picture.

- the horses, 14hh little palomino turds with long manes, are all reiners palomino? I think they have to be by law.

- the people: AQHA rule #5099-b (NRHA rule # 1) states that you must be "at least 6'4" tall and weigh no more than 100lbs if you are a man. If you are a woman, you must have scraggly trailer park hair that sproings out from under your hat and flaps offensively in the air" that is a direct quote from the rule book, mmm so pretty....

-the event itself: it is graceless and boring as hell, I think dressage is more interesting, and I think you all know how much I hate dressage - I hate dressage A LOT.

Now I am sure that there are some super-fantastical reiners out there that make the saints weep with their grace and beauty. I'm just saying that I have never seen one. The only ones I have ever seen never stick their spins, their "slides" consist of jamming thier back legs in the ground, and their lead changes suck ass. The pattern is stupid big fast circle. small slow circle, crappy lead change.... it is about now that I wander off to get a pretzel and shuffle around going "Christ! how long is this going to take?".

'But Exes,' you say, 'I know reining is a hideous boil on the backside of the stockhorse industry, but how is it the harbinger of doom?' Well let me 'splain:

It wasn't long ago that every back yard quarter horse owner thought that Flash could do western pleasure, they were damn sure and some even insisted on showing in it. When they found out that they had to actually clean their horse and train it, they decided that western pleasure was boring anyway and went on a search for a new event.

Cutting, and roping requires some skill, and cows, and since we can't even bother to clean our horse for a show, there is no way we are gonna try an find some cows, or some skill. And so reining was invented. Hey its half the fun of horsemanship and you don't have to groom! 'thats for me!' . (be patient I am getting to the "doom").

And so with the rise of reining and the 'beautiful' long manes that backyarders love so much, a marriage was made in hell. Spring is trumpeted no longer by the song of migratory birds, but by the postings on bulletin boards about long manes.

They usually start off something like

'Here is a picture of Dusty (insert picture of thick-necked ugly-headed long maned horror here) I am so NOT cutting his beautiful mane. What should I do with it for showmanship, halter, horsemanship and western pleasure' .

Then someone says "cut it"

and then some other sympathetic yahoo comes on and says, "Oh no! you don't have to cut it, blahbitty blah showed at the Worlds with a long mane and won!"

and then someone (o.k., Me) says "cut it anyway, long manes are not a trend"

and so it goes on and on....

The dream:

The reality:

The thing that scares me is, what if the yahoos are right? What if "long beeee-yoooo-ti-full" manes make a comeback. Dear god no, it burns us. argh!

Ciao!

Trail Burglars and brainless twits.

Turd Burglar was such a good boy yesterday, I rode him in the evil ball spurs, and he was a pretty good boy. We are on a crash course in Trail for the March show, the poles are soooo good for the Burglar, we have to use our brains and it is very hard! I LOVE the poles, tight turns all of it is really fun, Burglar rushes too much though, patience Burglar, patience.....

Sunday was fun, I went early to miss the weekend instructor and her train wreck clients. Looks like there might be some more sweet 25-50 people around yay! not as awesome as the "magnificent 3" (me, J & L) but hey, you gotta start somewhere. So exciting to be the "old timer" and not the new guy who doesn't know anything (ha ha teenagers! thinkin' you are so cool) .

I am having a hard time coming up with anything funny today because mostly I am sick and mouth-breathing and it saps all my humor. I think I will pick an easy topic today, stupid horse breeds.
Stupid breed # 1: Arabs. I know, I know its so easy, there is so much material. I will try to make it fresh for you. What are arabs actually for? I mean besides spooking. I guess they can to English classes, but really what horse cant do english? But look at this:
These horses are too small for grown-ups and too stupid for children. Adults really do look like idiots on Arabs, they may as well be ponies, no one over 13 should be allowed to own one. Plus look at all the freekin tack this woman has to use on that thing. yeech. mmmm, nice breeches by the way, lady.

The only thing worse than an arabian doing english is an arabian doing western, ...........

Sorry I had to go throw up. People love to yap about how arabian are great at western and that they can do everything and never run around crazy and act like retards. These are all horrible lies. I just want to point out that while hunter/jumper idiots like to drone about how stock horse huntseat is really "wenglish" or western in english tack, I give you "arab Western pleasure". What kind of horrible mockery of an event is this? These people FLY around the pen jingling and jangling, heads in the air zooming circles around the judges, how is this western pleasure. Sorry to all the stupid breed loons out there, only stock horses should do western. Period. I don't want to hear your arguements, you are wrong. Here, lets compare: This is some sort of "competition" called the Scottsdale Classic, apparently it is a great big deal to arab horse people. Sounds stupid to me.

Now look at this in comparison:

It is obvious to even the untrained reader which animal is superior, the stock horse, exactly. Both these men (well only one man, really) are riding in western gear, but only one looks cool. Really, men shouldn't ride arabs, there, I said it and I am not sorry.

Oh, and lets not forget my all time favorite discipline, Saddleseat, arabs can have saddleseat, or they can duke it out with all the other airhead breeds for the rights to it for all I care. The whole thing makes me want to poke my eyes out with dirty pencils, I hate it that much.

Here, look at it! Its like picking at a scab, isn't it? There is some sort of "sport" called "endurance" that arabs are supposed to be great at. I think it is when the horse tests your endurance for not killing it.

My favorite is when arab owners claim that their horses are actually smart and that is the reason why they act so stupid. This cracks me up, then again if you own an arab, maybe the horse is smarter than you..... hmmm.

Someone posted on a bulletin board that I frequent that they wanted tips to help their friend, who had had a couple bad falls, get more confidence riding. The problem was that the horse she was currently riding was an arab and it spooked all the time because (and this is the humorous part) the arab was sensitive and could tell the lady was nervous, so thats why it spooked. Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, that is about all I have to say about that. Ciao!