The Burgler's anniversary and "the great communicators" (with your wallet, that is)

Winter, you suck. Today is too cold for practice and the ol' burgler and I leave tomorrow for a show. Oh, well, it is what it is, I suppose. This show is our "anniversary" of sorts, it was the first show I took the turd burgler to last year, and it was the first time my show experience was 100% fun because although he was a gen-u-ine turd burgler (TB for short), he wasn't scary, just inexperienced. Anyway, it has been a whole year and am just excited,o.k.! (sorry, getting all misty, there).

Today, I have a really great topic which someone pointed me towards, I now must suspend making fun of stupid horse breeds to address this completely hilarious topic.
Animal comunicators, specifically Lydia Hiby at lydiahiby.com. This person is, apparently, "the most sought after animal communicator around" Well I'm convinced. Lydia also has testimonials on her site, here is a good one:

"The first time I called upon Lydia for help was several years ago when our horse had a lameness problem. Two veterinarians were having trouble finding the cause. I had Lydia talk to the horse. I wrote down everything that she said, so that I wouldn't get anything wrong. When the veterinarian returned to do more testing, I mentioned that I had spoken to Lydia. I was told, 'I deal in science, not magic.' After several hundred dollars worth of X-rays, etc., guess what? Lydia was right. Everything the test showed matched exactly to what I had written down. The horse was given special pads and shoes (even the angle of the wedge was correct). The horse has been sound ever since. Lydia is a Savior to people, as well as animals. It is a joy to know that when problems arise, Lydia can let you know what direction to take. I will be eternally greatful for all Lydia does."

So, let me get this straight, it wasn't the x-rays or your farrier, it was the horse who knew the proper angles of the wedges. O.k. and the angle of my boot in your ass is 90 degrees (actually that sounds about right! yay for me.) Her poor, poor vet and farrier, can you imagine the cringing that went on when they recieved the phone call telling them that Ol' Dusty has finally communicated how he would like his angles. Christ on a bike!

It gets better, of course this kook is going to be at, what else? Equine Affaire! Hooray! now after I buy my Tucker saddle and sit through a lecture on de-spooking my backyard puke, I will just mosey on over to ol' Lydia's tent and ask her why the T.B. likes being a dork so much. I like equine affaire because anyone who went and liked it, or went more than once, is someone I can steer clear of. Its like the red badge of backyard.

This little gem is from the FAQ page of another one of these geniuses (and I mean that sincerely, can you imagine having to do less work for this kind of money?)

"Can we work with my animal if he isn't with me?
Yes, and he does not even have to be awake for this to "work" though most people enjoy being with their animals during a consultation."

Hmmm, not around or even asleep huh? let me guess why this might work, o that's right because you're MAKING IT UP!

"Can you tell me what's wrong with him physically?
I am not a veterinarian and can't diagnose or treat disease. Your animal may give us very specific symptoms or feelings that may help your vet in developing a treatment plan, and we can help your animal be easier about what's going on with his treatment."

At least in giving themselves an out, they might have inadvertantly helped the poor animal by refusing to give a medical diagnosis, thank god for small miracles. By the way, I know a way to help an animal be easier about what is going on with it's treatment, tranq. It's probably cheaper, too.

"That's OK, but I still want to test if this is real.
I can understand you may want to test, but please remember that our goal is your animal's well-being first and foremost. Please do not withhold important information about your animal as a "test." This will waste valuable appointment time and impair our ability to hear what we really need to hear."

Do I really need to comment on this? (Web Page: )

This is from the Bio page of the "animal-whisperer" (can that just die, please?)It is pure internet gold!
"Susan was born in Buffalo, New York. Her family first lived with her Irish grandmother down the street from the Buffalo Zoo where the song of the hungry lions filled the air every afternoon...One day she waded out in the water to free Hot Rod, her goldfish, to swim in the Georgian Bay, convinced he wanted a spin in the "big water." That he would return safe when he was through. As an adult, Susan can only imagine her parents’ astonishment and relief when the fish swam away then back again into the waiting bowl... black Labrador Retriever named Luther, a gentle giant, was the greatest teacher of all. She still doesn't know how he did it, but it was from Luther she learned about medical miracles, and about how an animal can show us how to walk the hero's walk with them"

Really, there is a lot of crap in that excerpt but read it, it is truly hilarious. Below is another one from some other broad, honestly do any men do this? Actually no man would do this, what I should ask is Does any human with testicles do this? No, the uteris' have it, hands down. Here are some random images of "comunicators" Please, let me know if any of you are surprised.






Here is a testimonial: (web page:!)
"Thank you so much for the session. My riding lesson after your work was amazing. Breeze was completely relaxed. While I was tacking her up, my coach came down from the arena to tell me that it was chaotic in there and he prepared me to expect that Breeze would be unfocused. Once there a horse named Boom exploded. Breeze was full of calm energy. I’ve never seen her so focused and unresponsive to outside stimuli. Normally she would be focused on everything else but me. My coach lunged her for 5 minutes, and even with all the hullabaloo going on, she was amazing."

First off, I hope you aren't paying your "coach" much, cause she obvioulsy sucks. Secondly, lemme go crazy and suggest that you are over-mounted on a OTTB (not T.B. as in "turd burgler" -those are perfect) and you cant ride for crap, at least this is what your puke "Breeze" told me, while he was laughing at you, your coach and the communicator behind your back.

O.K. no, really there is more, this is a message, through the "comunicator" from a race horse to its owner:

A Message for a Veterinarian client from a racehorse
through Lynn McKenzie (reprinted with permission)

“Do not pine for my physical presence for I am with you each and every day. Your flow with me was magic, this allowed for the expansion of ‘all that is’, our love and joy. When your heart feels full, you will sense my presence. It is this sensing that will help you with the others, those who run, and those who fall. While there is pain on the physical realm, there is but pure joy on this realm. Our connection allowed for you, glimpses of this, on your plane.

What you saw in me was just a reflection of yourself, for you are but a vast being of pure love and joy, with a heart as big and open as any on your plane."

The emphasis is mine, but ol' lynn hit it, didn't she, its all about you, isn't it?

O.K., I really have to stop now, Thanks again R, there is like 10 billion blogs worth of this junk!!!

Ciao

"delinquency spots" and hairy mistakes

This is the final part of the Robert Louis Stephenson Poem "Winter Time"

"Black are my steps on silver sod;
Thick blows my frosty breath abroad;
And tree and house, and hill and lake,
Are frosted like a wedding-cake."

My pony adds this:

"Brittle be the Solar Panel Cover
I rip it off and run around like a dork
My spotty friend, he tests, and finding no shock
wiggles his big speckled butt through yon fence
To eat of the forbidden grass."

My horse's poetry ain't so good, but he hasn't finished his master's yet. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber tried the equine version of "The Great Escape" yesterday. Well, I think my pony didn't know he was helping, because he would never do anything so obviously naughty. My pony found the cover to the solar panel offensive to his creative eye and ripped it off like any true artistic soul would. His pasture bud (and my sister's horse) seized this opportunity to stuff himself through the fence and stand there, eating. I see now that being horribly spotty is a symptom of a devious mind! Leopard appaloosa, indeed! Delinquent, more like, humpf!

My topic today is Friesians and Gypsy Vanner horses. I know what you all are thinking, Oh please everyone makes fun of those. But really, there is so much to laugh at, I can't pass it up!

Everyone who owns horses knows the stereotypical kook horse owners. Some breeds attract them like white on rice, and friesians and gypsy vanners are particular favorites of these sad little folks. These owners are usually those who really have no business owning horses, they know nothing, they don't listen and they sure as hell don't ride. Let me paint you a picture, these are the ones who listen to Enya, whale music and have scraggly long hair, just like their horses.

Here is an excerpt from a breeding farm web site:

Baroque breeds are skilled in dressage, particularly high school collected movements. They are prized for their docile temperaments, when paired with their fiery movement these are a pair of traits almost never found occurring in the same animal apart from Baroque breeds and highly sought after and loved. They have lovely thick manes and tails, and love to learn. Baroque breeds typically mature slowly and go through an ‘ugly duckling’ stage before they transform into the swan we dream of by the age of 6 or 7.

If you appreciate the wisdom of the ages, and understand that sometimes the way our ancestors did things was the right way. If you long for your own living relic and you believe there is no reason to change perfection, the Baroque horse might be for you.

I couldn't make this stuff up! These are the people responsible for "friesian fantasy art" like this: (I can't make them bigger because these images cause brain hemorrages)


And This




These are typical of the kind of crap you see on these sites, but there is also lots of shots of horses running at liberty blech. When people do try to ride these "horses" the result must always be something akin to this:



And this:


and this:



Friesian and Gypsy Vanner people love to tie little bells to things, their horse's raggedy mane, around their wrists, on thier belly dancing outfit for middle eastern day at the renaissance festival. I think this is because when thier horse dumps them, they can follow the ringing bells and find it again. All this hair is making me queazy so I will sign off now. Remember don't make the "hairy mistake" and steer clear of these baroque nightmares.
Ciao!

Smelly Chins and "The internet is full of ugly"

No real interesting news on my personal front, I am frantically packing and orgainizing for my show this weekend, I am terrified that I will forget my hat, for some reason I keep dreaming about it. Poor pony had rubs on his chin from his sleezy hood, that was where the stink was coming from, poor baby. He got a good scrubbin' and some Novalsan, he was a happy boy having his chin scrubbed.

Today I kind of a mixed bag, I picked up some pictures on the internet that kind of made me puke in my mouth a little bit so here they are:


This is part of some of the stupid things that happen at paso fino shows, two hospital orderlies try to stuff the idiot horse into a padded cell? Thats what it looks like, doesn't it? Well in actuality it is some sort of combo "driving" and "in hand" class. There is some nonsense about steering or something, I think it is some sort of reinactment of the great milk cart shortage of 1925, when the brave milkmen had to walk behind their cart horses to deliver the dairy products.

This is under the "I knew it!!!!" category, in that that crazy paso fino show on RFDTV yaps on about how comfy and quiet the pasos are and how old farts find them really comfy and safe, blah, blah, blah. Well here is my proof: HA!


Chew on that image, Agnes! not so quiet now, are we? I think it is confirmed, Paso's are trying to kill our senior citizens! Poor, unsuspecting grandmas, pop-pops and GiGis.

Here is one that just baffles me, why, for the love of all that is holy, would someone want to sit on a horse like this, in an outfit like this?



This may very well be the femmy-ist thing on the internet. This runs a close second:





Finally, here is "orderlies in High-Waters" non-pro class champion of the Paso Fino World show, enjoy:



One, post script, and then I promise I will stop, wouldn't these chaps actually attract rattlesnakes to jump in your pants and kill you? Is this yet another diabolical plot to rid the world of horse loving seniors? Diabolical, indeed.



Ciao!

Turd Burglers and "Wherever you go, there you are"

Hello Everyone, Well I actually put my big ol' ass on my horse last night, I was beginning to have anxiety dreams about the show coming up next week because, lets just say, I haven't been riding nearly as much as I should be. I was pleasantly surprised, actually, my boy was great. I know what you are all thinking, I mean, he poops rainbows and gives the sun a reason to shine in the morning, so how could I expect less? But sometimes we can be a little rushy and strung out. But not last night, the collection fairy came by with the speed regulator pixie in tow, and well, they sprinkled just the right amount of magic dust because hot DAMN my boy was GOOD! Left lead, right lead, it made the angels weep. Now hopefully the turd burgler won't come (like the bastard always does) while we are up at the show grounds next weekend. The Turd Burgler is the one who tricks my pony into thinking that western pleasure is actually a race, and if we just keep going faster and faster we WIN!! F.U. Turd Burgler!


Today's topic is a "companion piece" to yesterday's (Thanks R.!)it is about "Field of Dreams" thinking but what that really means is "if you throw money at it, it doesn't mean you don't suck" Yes, gentle readers, sometimes even money doesn't make you any good. See, you actually really do have to learn to ride, crazy huh? "Where ever you go, there you are" Wise words in this circumstance, if you are flopping around and cant ride, you look like a sack of crap in a $2000 outfit and an expensive saddle that can't ride, now I suppose one could argue that this is better than looking like a sack of crap in a wet-look fuscia shirt and a Tucker saddle, but I am not so sure.



I am talking about the ones who pay more attention to the "big picture" and forget the details, like, I don't know, equitating, no-stirrup work and crazy stuff like that. These people usually have an entourage, little toadies who don't have as much money, but are happy to sniff around for scraps. They are so easy to make happy, all you need to do is tell them how rich they are, they honestly love this. Anyone else with half a brain would realize that you are blowing smoke up their ass, but people like this eat this shit UP!!!

I think that these are the kids (and I think that this is a problem for youth exhibitors more than ammies, but I could be wrong) who people call "show divas" you find them in all diciplines. They look really intimidating and competitive, but when you actually really look at them, they kind of suck. They don't really do that well, they may have boatloads of points but they get them by hauling to less competitive shows. When the real competition rolls in, they get creamed. Buy all the magazine ads you want, chica, you still can't make a cut at Congress or even a place at a decent weekend show!

What cracks me up about these people is because they are so full of shit, they believe whatever any snake-oil salesmen tells them. They are magnetically drawn to the biggest bullshitter in the room. "Come to my barn, you are so rich - I mean TALENTED - I have the perfect horse for you, it has a ga-gillion points, -never mind the lameness, the scars from tail injections - I love this horse so much for you, never mind that I have been trying to off load it on some idiot for months - YOU are the special idiot that can take this horse to the top, look deeeeeeeep into my eyes... while I stroke your ego and pick your pocket" whoops, still can't place! ouchie!

None of this would be any of my business if they weren't nasty little bitches, and sneaky stealers (you know who you are - give me my key a-hole!).

Old lady Wigs and Cheap Horse Owners

Hello, well last night I went out to visit my horse, and he is doing just fine, his lip is healing nicely as far as I can tell and the chunk he took out of it should not be too noticable. He isn't smelling too great, however, there is a funky poo-ish aroma centered somewhere around his head, and by god I am going to find out what it is, I have ruled out his actual head, his cut lip, his slinky and neck warmer, so I think I have it narrowed down to his halter, you cant tell by looking at it but damn, it smells very poo-y! (must be someone else's poo, cause his smells like fresh baked bread and roses)

I punked out when I got to the barn and just lunged him cause it was really freaking cold, I determined he is still beautiful, and commenced to combing his beautiful, glimmering mane. That is where the "old lady wig" part came in. I don't really know what happens when you put a slinky/hood combo on in the winter, but DAMN it is not pretty. His mane is now the consistency of the hair of a well-loved Barbie doll :

Mmmmmmm, preety!

It doesn't help that his mane is the color of dyed old lady hair, or the ever popular "old lady wig" as seen below: bleck! it really almost isn't worth putting the

hood on!

Today's topic is cheap horse owners, not owners who try to spend money wisely, but owners who won't part with a nickel to make their lives easier or to do something properly.

One of my favorites is pasture board, now before anyone (or the few people who I insist read this) jump on me, let me explain. Sometimes the intention behind something is the reason I label people as cheap-ass, not the actual act itself. For instance if your horse is a nightmare in a stall, kicks, screams and is a generally a pain in the ass, by all means pasture board it, if your horse is old, with creaky joints and respiratory problems, please, pasture board it. If your horse stocks up, go for it. But here is what ticks me off, if you are pasture boarding because it is cheap, you are a cheap-ass, because you are going to be the one who insists that the horses be brought in when the weather is too nasty, yet you will refuse to pay extra because , after all, you are on "pasture board". You are the ones who bitch when your horse gets rain rot, yet you refuse to pay extra to have it dry off at night. You are also the ones who buy cheap ass blankets for your horses, yet get pissed off when you aren't allowed to show in winter because your horse is too hairy. In short, you suck.

Another cheapo classic is the "natural hoof trim" . If your horse can go without shoes (my sister's does) and NOT BE SORE FOR A MONTH AFTER PULLING THEM, by all means, have at it. But I know most of you natural hoof people are just cheap, and like O.J., I will never get a conviction, but you and I and everyone else knows it is just because you are a cheap-ass. You will holler to the great Parelli God that this is not the case, that you just want what is "natural" for your horse, but you will never, ever, ever, ever convince me you aren't a cheap-ass, cause you are a cheap-ass.

On to showing...

Buy a goddamn fake tail, I have touched on this before, but I really need to bring it up again. Your horse's tail is NOT full and long enough, I am very, very certain of this. I know one horse, ONE, who might be able to show without a fake, but they don't. You are just being cheap, again everyone knows this. If a fake tail is going to break the bank, you aren't ready to show yet. I am not talking 4-H here, I am talking nice open or breed shows.

Next we have the "borrowers" people who show A LOT yet refuse to buy their own crap. How many times do you have to borrow something before your realize you might fucking NEED it and that it would be ever-so-much-more-convenient if you actually had one of you flipping own? Here is the thing, you want to borrow other peoples nice stuff, but when you ruin it, (which you will because you are the kind of asshole who is too cheap to have your own stuff, but doesn't mind crapping up borrowed stuff) you won't replace it, clean it or otherwise make good for it. That is why you are a cheap ass and you suck.

What else, oh yeah, if your horse should be on supplements, injections or otherwise some kind of maintenance program, would you just fork it over so your horse isn't sore, crippled or unhappy? Jeez!

Don't bicker and bargain with your trainer about their costs, if you don't like it, go somewhere else. Do you know how much good will you can undo by arguing over 10 measly bucks for wormer, or sand clear? In short, as I end most of my posts, don't be an asshole.

Ciao!

Four people read my blog! and "Horse Posers"

Yay! I have made it, I personally know that 4 people read my blog yesterday. I know this because I emailed them all and told them to, but they actually did! I promise not to let my meteoric rise to fame get to my head.



Today's topic is "horse posers" these are people who own, but do not ride horses. Now not everyone who owns, but does not ride is a poser. No, posers come from a special little pocket of hell. They fall into a few categories and I will sort them out today. The first one I actually feel sort of sorry for, they are the "hoodwinked and over-horsed" These are the people who, through no real fault of their own, were convinced to buy a crippled, or mentally deficient horse. These people usually end up over-horsed. A lot of these people end up making the same mistake over and over again, and that is where my pity ends. These people mostly end up giving up and just keeping a rank pasture pet, but they would really like to ride. If they are lucky, they wise up and find someone to help, usually they can't make the horse they own work, but they might find someone trustworthy to help them get a reliable horse, but those people arent really the posers.

The "hoodwinked and over-horsed" people that I absolutely DO NOT feel sorry for, are the ones that are too stupid to listen to good advice. People who have a perfect horse staring them in the face yet they go and buy something utterly inappropriate. I know of someone who had the opportunity to buy the sweetest, proven gelding (been, and placed at Congress, proven) yet ended up the the nastiest, rankest, crippled-est horse I have ever had the displeasure to meet, and hasn't, as of yet, been able to make it to Congress with this horse. Why? I really wish I knew, I could make a fortune selling crap to idiots!

The next group might be the one I hate the most, lets call them the "trappists". Trappists love everything about horses, except actually riding. They are the ones who run out and buy really stupid things without ever looking at what people who actually ride use and wear. For instance, my barn is a stock horse barn, western and english, but stock horse english. Stock horse English means low key, we dont wear breeches or tall boots to practice, at the most some will wear half chaps. Now I know that this is not true for every stock horse barn, but bear with me, I have a point. When EVERYONE who knows more than you, is riding in half chaps and jeans, with a standard troxel schooling helmet, wouldn't you feel like an asshole showing up at the barn in Ariat leather tall boots, riding breeches and (and I am not kidding) a velvet show helmet? What are we trying to say with that outfit? Are we trying to say "I know what I am doing"? because what you are actually telegraphing is "I am an asshole". This is the same person who DROVE to the barn with her velvet helmet on, -what the hell? I mean, really, what the hell? I don't drive to shows with my cowboy hat on, (although I have seen some assholes wear them out to dinner after a show - please).

Now as an aside, lest my trainer bring it up, I have bought my share of really stupid things, especially when I first started to own horses. But I got rid of them when I figured out what was going on. My trainer either said, "Um, what are you thinking?" or I figured out myself how stupid I looked. Maybe I should thank her for her honesty, now that I think about it, or I would be plunking around now in an Australian saddle and bitching how I never win when I show in it! But I digress, the point is, don't be an asshole, look around.

Poser group number 3 are what I like to call the "scientists" they dont actually get on their horses and ride, or really are in any kind of effective lesson program. They are sure that what ever is wrong (and there is always something wrong) can be fixed with diet, bucket warmers, shoeing, turnout (0r no turnout) or an ace bandage aroung the ass while lunging. Let me assure you, your horse isn't "too hot" because it is on sweet feed. It is too hot because you bought a retarded thoroughbred. This is the same genius that insisted on no turnout (or more turnout, I can't remember, but then again does it really matter?). My favorite was the ace bandage around the ass, what a classic, now if this had actually helped, I would have no problem with it, but I think you can guess that it didn't help. These are the ones who spend endless hours "de-spooking" their horse, which is infinitely more convenient than riding, in case you didn't know.

Lastly, are people who ride "dressage" dressage is in quotes and italicized because these people dont really ride dressage, they might have taken a lesson or two, or plunked around a "dressage" barn but they are really just posers. I'll paint a picture, we are single, kind of old and kooky, and have "been around" horses a lot without actually learning anything useful. These women would really like to jump, but are too afraid because their horses are green and nuts, so they get on for 10 or 15 minutes every month "bend", "flex" do sitting trot (cause we cant post) get off without ever cantering, and yap to everyone at the university where they work about how they ride "dressage" .

There you are, if anyone has any additions, I would love to here them!

Shmoopie cut his dumb ass self!

O.K. I love my horse, but, to put it kindly, he is a bit of a dork. My trainer said that he would be the kid with the propellor beanie on, and he would think it was cool. Anyway, he routinely tries to get the other really laid back lazy geldings to play his ultra cool games, and guess what, no takers. So he makes up his own games well his super-bright idea over the week end was to take a plastic bucket (where he got it I have no idea) and, in -4 degree weather run around with it in his mouth, so now he has a big ol' gash on his top lip, 10 days before the next show. Ug!

Any way, my rant today is about people who want to compete at the top levels, but are too goddamn cheap or stubborn, to do it correctly. Now first let me say that EVERYONE who shows at these levels knows that although it is totally cool to have really expensive stuff, it really isn't required. What is required, is decent quality tack and a rudimentary knowledge of Breed Show fashion. Here are my rules for people who want to "step up":

1. Get a goddamn trainer, you don't have to get "the" trainer, but how about getting one that actually shows breed circuit, and isn't a total fucking idiot. You may think that you have trained Jet, Chip, Gypsy Queen or Dash yourself, but chances are, you suck at it. Let me guess, your horse is way too fast, trashy at the lope and can't behave in traffic. (I know, I am like Nostradamus or something!)

2. Pay the goddamn trainer to do his/her job. Don't be a cheap ass, if you aren't willing to fork over some dough to at least board your horse at the trainer's barn and ride while someone besides good ol' mom is looking at you, stick to the 4H fair, please.

3. LISTEN to the goddamn trainer! they know what they are doing, you don't. That is why you suck and can't win, you will be able to do well if you take the fucking advice that you are paying for.

4. Buy a decent hat (decent, not $300, ok?) and pay to have it blocked correctly. Now I will give you that it is hard to find a hat blocker who doesn't suck, but here is where your trainer comes in, look at their hat, is it crushed? folded up in the back? really dirty? No? (thank god) Ask them where they had it done and GO THERE! It isn't expensive, and you will look SO much better!

5. Stop buying your show outfits at the 4-H tack sale. Learn to sew, look at what breed show people are wearing, it isn't "wet-l00k" fuschia spandex with 4 rhinestones on it, I promise you.

6. Cut your fucking horse's mane, stop going on Horsecity.com and asking if you have to do it, those back yard-tards will tell you no. They will point out one person who placed at the World show or Congress with a long mane and extend that to mean that their and your backyard horse can do just as well with a stringy disgusting mane. If you want a long mane, do reining, and we all know how I feel about that.

7. Learn to clip your horse or pay someone to do it. This is not negotiable.

Here are some "NO's":
NO you probably can't win at open western pleasure, you broke the bank on a $2,000 horse, get over it. Can you do well at novice youth or Novice amateur? yeah, if your horse has any talent.

NO You cannot show your hairy-ass horse in January, clip it, blanket it or put it under lights, lazy ass.

NO Things are not what they were in the 1980's, when horses heads were up in the air and flying around (need I remind you that was the age of the "arab boom"? - nuff said)

NO your rust breeches are not coming back into fashion, they are ass-ugly.

NO your light tan breeches are not going to work, get some greenish-kahki ones

NO your horse's tail is not "full enough", get a fake, everyone knows you are just being cheap, you aren't kidding anyone.

NO you cannot wear gloves in showmanship, you look like an asshole

NO you cannot wear a "show-bow", you look like an asshole

NO you cannot use romel reins, maybe if you are in California where they love that vaquero crap, but anywhere else it looks like you took your best friend's arab tack. (oh, and don't give me crap about how so-and-so uses them and places blah blah blah, they are probably better than you or lying)

Here is my outfit suggestion:

Get an outfit that isn't red, royal blue or purple, for the love of god, please.

C-ya!

Hello to Me!

This blog is only for me, because I will, most likely, be the only one reading it. I don't care, at least I can read the writings of genius.
I would like to talk about reining for a moment. This is the new fad for the hillbilly set, I am beginning to hate reining, I hate the fact that there is no style to it, good idea, bad execution. Just as everyone thinks that their horse is 16HH, everyone thinks they can do reining. I swear to god it is only because they can leave their hillbilly horse's mane long. They are absolutely the worst at AQHA shows, because they aren't at NRHA, so they aren't really any good, half of them have no lead change and the other half just run around the arena and pound thier horses into bumpy, sucky, non sliding stops.

The 6'3" broomstick thin reiners at the local AQHA shows show up with their 14 hand horses, their heels practically dragging in the dirt, run their horses around until they are heaving and then put them away panting and wet tied up with a chain. I hate them.

I have no idea why western riding pattern, trail and horsemanship are fascinating to watch, yet reining makes me want to stab my eyes out with a hoofpick. But there it is.

here is the breakdown:

Western Pleasure: very cool, but I hate the dried up old hunch-back farts that win it all the time, I am jealous, so sue me!

Horsemanship: This is the poor-mans event! I love it, precision, finesse, and no worry about getting seen, LOVE this event! even crappy movers can excel at this event with the right attitude.

Trail: love it, it is the old-bag's event (that's for me!) and has all the fun of the above, but with poles!!!!

Western Riding: See above

English Eq: Also bad-ass, no one does it because there is a chance of no-stirrup work, not for the faint hearted.

Hunter Under Saddle: Fun, you can come off the rail (yay!) and my horse is good at it.

Showmanship: I HATE showmanship, it takes too long, way too long. I can't do it - I run like a hobbit-duck and so I denounce it utterly.

Halter: Ah, the fat-boy's sport. All the fat boys who love horses but are too fat to ride LOVE halter, oh, and it is boring. I have no interest in horses that are only there because their owners dont ride.

Driving: O.k. driving is kind of gay, but I want my horse to do it someday, I can't wait to camp it up with big girly hats and ugly skirts, with a little fey whip.

Reining: pleh.

Cutting: very awesome, don't mind the ugly clothes or tack, for some reason.

There you go, my not so humble opinions.