Shmoopie cut his dumb ass self!

O.K. I love my horse, but, to put it kindly, he is a bit of a dork. My trainer said that he would be the kid with the propellor beanie on, and he would think it was cool. Anyway, he routinely tries to get the other really laid back lazy geldings to play his ultra cool games, and guess what, no takers. So he makes up his own games well his super-bright idea over the week end was to take a plastic bucket (where he got it I have no idea) and, in -4 degree weather run around with it in his mouth, so now he has a big ol' gash on his top lip, 10 days before the next show. Ug!

Any way, my rant today is about people who want to compete at the top levels, but are too goddamn cheap or stubborn, to do it correctly. Now first let me say that EVERYONE who shows at these levels knows that although it is totally cool to have really expensive stuff, it really isn't required. What is required, is decent quality tack and a rudimentary knowledge of Breed Show fashion. Here are my rules for people who want to "step up":

1. Get a goddamn trainer, you don't have to get "the" trainer, but how about getting one that actually shows breed circuit, and isn't a total fucking idiot. You may think that you have trained Jet, Chip, Gypsy Queen or Dash yourself, but chances are, you suck at it. Let me guess, your horse is way too fast, trashy at the lope and can't behave in traffic. (I know, I am like Nostradamus or something!)

2. Pay the goddamn trainer to do his/her job. Don't be a cheap ass, if you aren't willing to fork over some dough to at least board your horse at the trainer's barn and ride while someone besides good ol' mom is looking at you, stick to the 4H fair, please.

3. LISTEN to the goddamn trainer! they know what they are doing, you don't. That is why you suck and can't win, you will be able to do well if you take the fucking advice that you are paying for.

4. Buy a decent hat (decent, not $300, ok?) and pay to have it blocked correctly. Now I will give you that it is hard to find a hat blocker who doesn't suck, but here is where your trainer comes in, look at their hat, is it crushed? folded up in the back? really dirty? No? (thank god) Ask them where they had it done and GO THERE! It isn't expensive, and you will look SO much better!

5. Stop buying your show outfits at the 4-H tack sale. Learn to sew, look at what breed show people are wearing, it isn't "wet-l00k" fuschia spandex with 4 rhinestones on it, I promise you.

6. Cut your fucking horse's mane, stop going on Horsecity.com and asking if you have to do it, those back yard-tards will tell you no. They will point out one person who placed at the World show or Congress with a long mane and extend that to mean that their and your backyard horse can do just as well with a stringy disgusting mane. If you want a long mane, do reining, and we all know how I feel about that.

7. Learn to clip your horse or pay someone to do it. This is not negotiable.

Here are some "NO's":
NO you probably can't win at open western pleasure, you broke the bank on a $2,000 horse, get over it. Can you do well at novice youth or Novice amateur? yeah, if your horse has any talent.

NO You cannot show your hairy-ass horse in January, clip it, blanket it or put it under lights, lazy ass.

NO Things are not what they were in the 1980's, when horses heads were up in the air and flying around (need I remind you that was the age of the "arab boom"? - nuff said)

NO your rust breeches are not coming back into fashion, they are ass-ugly.

NO your light tan breeches are not going to work, get some greenish-kahki ones

NO your horse's tail is not "full enough", get a fake, everyone knows you are just being cheap, you aren't kidding anyone.

NO you cannot wear gloves in showmanship, you look like an asshole

NO you cannot wear a "show-bow", you look like an asshole

NO you cannot use romel reins, maybe if you are in California where they love that vaquero crap, but anywhere else it looks like you took your best friend's arab tack. (oh, and don't give me crap about how so-and-so uses them and places blah blah blah, they are probably better than you or lying)

Here is my outfit suggestion:

Get an outfit that isn't red, royal blue or purple, for the love of god, please.

C-ya!