Notices!

Sadly, my brief meteoric rise to the bottom of the top of the Michigan Novice Amateur placings is over. Somehow the skinny little teen that shows with me (you know who you are) managed to keep her name in the placings for youth. Uh huh, NOW I know how it works, apparently you have to place really well and not just be the only one that showed up to the Nov Am classes at the February show. Fine, if that is the way you want it MQHA, just fine!

I haven't been riding enough, I can tell you that, the Burglar is thrilled, however. Why is it he is really good when I ride him after time off? He is trying to reward me for not riding him, I know it, too bad, Burglar.

Since it is summer and the students have largely gone home to tan and work at the golf club for the summer, I will have a lot more time to screw around.

Well, I have been really busy at my 'job' . They call it that, I call it the scourge of the riding classes, to pervert an Oscar Wilde quote. Well the Turd Burglar is doing pretty great, although he had to give up his big, cushy foaling stall for a warmblood. That's what the Turd Burglar gets for being a mere 15.3h and not having a hydrocephalic head and a big fat ass!

I spent my entire lesson on Monday negotiating 4 lope poles! dear god, is there any hope?

There is a new class of horse kooks, the amateur farriers. These people are crazy, just as crazy as any horse Kook can be. They fill the forums with yapping about angles, contracted heels, barefoot trims, 'methods' of trimming and other such drek.

Now here is the thing, I don't know jack about feet, but at least I admit this. Farrier schools aren't like check cashing places, I don't think they are on every corner, so where are all these multitudes of people (who have HOURS to spend on the web dispensing advise) learning all this stuff? Do they follow their farrier around? Can you imagine that poor bastard's day? Some yahoo posts a picture of their backyard horse's feet and it is off to the races for these hoof enthusiasts.

The strangest thing I have read lately is a hoofie (that is what I will call them from now on) asking a poster why she has shoes on her 3 year old at all? I didn't know being young ment you could automatically go shoe free! when are shoes manditory then? 16? 25? Hoofies are very worried about everyone else's horses hooves, because they are pretty sure YOUR horses are suffering silently from whatever YOUR shitty farrier is doing to them. Oi Vey! really? so having a big, freaking expensive horse isn't enough of a hobby? you have to have a horsie MICRO-hobby? How about you come clean my house instead, that would get you off the bulletin boards and away from your long-suffering farrier and get the tumbleweeds of elkhound fur out from under my couch! Its a Win-Win!

Ciao!

Not Horse Related, sadly

Believe it or not it has been over a week since I was last at the barn. I officially have the horse D.T.s. I am beginning to question their existance, a problem that I hope will be remedied by going to the barn tonight and riding the crap out of the Burglar. Turdy baby! Momma's coming!

Ok, I was in New York City this past weekend and I have to share my impressions. New Yorkers are actually not that rude, I expected to be yelled at a lot, but I wasn't. Once I figured out that there is no way to get actually get out of anyone's way, and they don't really expect you to, me and NYC got along just fine.

I was expecting New Yorkers to be more like circuit people, yelling at you, cutting you off and agressively passing, but New Yorkers are much more polite than circuit people. Go figure.

New Yorkers wear ridiculous shoes, and they walk A LOT. That city must be the bunion capital of the world. They wear shoes like these: young ladies and really old ladies alike. zoinks. The other thing I noticed about New Yorkers is that they will wear absolutely anything they can get their hands on, on their head. I swear knitted monstrosities, gigantic rabbit fur Russian hats, beer can hats, kittens, potted plants, you name it. Do you know what an effort you have to make to wear gigantic bug-eye sunglasses on the subway? I can not imagine taking them off, navigating your way to the platform, then sticking them back on for the train ride any more than I can imagine actually making it to the train with them on and NOT hitting the third rail. Fey scarves are pretty popular too. New York guys wear the gayest shoes I have ever seen. Really, really gay shoes, and New Yorkers? what is up with the leather coats? do they give those away with NY state I.D. cards and Metrocards? They are really tacky and ugly. Yuck.

Here is a tip for OLD New York ladies, ass loads of make-up, dyed red hair and high-heeled cowboy boots are not a good look for you, you look like a washed up pole dancer from Reno.

Here is a tip for tourists, don't wear your NASCAR coat, and leave your chick with the over-curled, 'I have never been out of Indiana' bangs at home. I will say that hanging out with midwestern tourists is a lot of fun, but why on earth, would you go to a planetarium show at the Natural History Museum in NEW YORK CITY if you are a creationist? Do you like slamming your dick in the door? (don't answer that, you probably do, you sick evangelical bastard).

I did find a western shop in the Village, LOTS of pointy toed boots with fancy high heels. The great thing about it is that the "city folk" are SO getting hosed, a 2x felt hat for $150 bucks and Justin Basic ropers for $169. Tee hee, hillbilly's revenge.

Ciao!

Burglars and Bitches

Hooo man, a pretty busy weekend. Turd Burglar was, in my humble opinion an absolute angel, he tried soooooo hard not to burgle turds, he even resisted until my very last class. Our personal favorite, novice am western pleasure. I would be kind to say that TB was "phoning it in" at this point, in that he didn't really care what I wanted, he was going to fly around and pass and I could just go straight to hell if I didn't like it. Which is exactly where I ended up. Bastard.

Burglars get tired sometimes, soooo tired.

My deep embarrasment of a rope gate was oh-so-luckily caught on tape by my dear friends at the show, I am most certain I will never live that one down, but it was pretty awesome how badly I screwed it up. I cant think of one thing, besides falling off, I could have done to do the rope gate any "wronger". Good times, good times.

Well let me share with you all some observations about breed shows, especially big, competitive breed shows. Them bitches is good. Really good.

The other thing I noticed is that there was a decided and happy absence of the "long manes" everyone is so sure are making a comeback. Didn't see a damn one, actually. Thank God for being merciful.

Anyone who tells you that you can show breed without a trainer is freaking lying to you. I would have been curled up in a teeeny tiny ball - sniviling, sniviling and wetting, actually. If you are just starting out, you better get a trainer, or else you will end up wetting your pants and going home with dick-squat. Believe me Ammy's or open riders may be able to do it, but if you havent had like 400 years experience, you will be destroyed.

Body shave your horse, better yet, keep it under lights from Oct on, NOT ONE non-yahoo horse had even a hint of a hair coat.

Oh, and when did Novice Amateur mean 22 year olds? Where are all the old bags? I felt like a goddam geriatric case in my class, jealously eyeing the select classes, then thinking "them bitches are good too! Goddammit!"

I also learned that waiting for everyone else to screw up their go isn't the greatest strategy if you would like to place. Cause the bitches do NOT screw up their go's. Bitches. This has caused me to rethink my whole show strategy, cause that has pretty much been my plan up until now.

More is still brewing in my brain.

Ciao!

The Unseakable Vice of the Brits & Horses - You're doin' it wrong!

Well we had our first successful clinic in a long time, I think the combo of L. riding the snot out of the Turd Burglar earlier in the day and me kissing his ass through the whole clinic was the ticket! Hurray. It was a "buckleseat" (or as I like to call it now "the unspeakable vice of the Brits"). Luckily, I don't think the saddle is still crammed up my ass, I know because I pulled it out myself!

I will have everyone know that I managed to make the girth tight enough that my saddle did not slip whilst getting on! Ha Ha!!!! I wish I could take credit for the Burglar's awesomeness last night, but I think that L. got the STANK out of him and made him all lovely for me! Would you like a second job getting the STANK out of the TB? It pays nothing and is thankless, but the job security is AWESOME!

The Burglar's new trick when he has had enough of Eq patterns is to practice his flexibility. Of course he only wants to practice flexibility to the right, cause, you know that is the fun side. So instead of standing like a good SEVEN YEAR OLD HORSE, we snake our big ol' head to the right, rest it on my foot, put his lips on my pants, wipes off his slobber, and then he goes for the left, nibbles on my foot etc.... When I tell him to knock it off, we stretch our head out and yawn and yawn and yawn, cause, you know, we are so mature and grown up, then of course our canon bones are terribly itchy so we have to scratch them - oh it's time to do the pattern? run, run run be a turd burglar, wooo hooo! stop and wait again.....

Smacking the Burglar on the side of the neck does nothing to deter his pure love of flexing, I think it makes us want to flex more in fact, oh, and yawn.....

I have started a new element to my blog, it is called the "little bastard of the week" most likely it will have a mini on it, but it might have a pony, or the Turd Burglar depending on my mood.

Today I would like to talk to the first time horse owners out there. Snuggle up. Good? Comfy? Feeling all 'at-one-with-your-horse'? Yes?, Good. Well I have some news for you sunshine, you are wrong. It's true, what ever you are doing right at this moment with your horse, if your trainer didn't specifically tell you to do it, you are doing it wrong.

Now I know what you all are thinking, 'Exes, didn't you have a whole post about old hags that think they know everything? Are you turning into one of those old hags?' The answer is yes to the first question and 'shut up and pay attention" to the second. I didn't say the old bags -n- hags were wrong, just really annoying. In any case, I still hope you feel free to tell them to stick it, cause I hate them bitches.

Not very long ago, I, too was a new horse owner, and I should probably still be considered a new horse owner, because until only very recently could I make a decision, purchase or statement that wasn't completely, and utterly wrong. I will give you just a few Bona Fides to prove my genius:

The first gelding my sister and I owned, Toby, was a really great beginners horse, that is why we bought him. We fussed over that old bastard like you wouldn't believe, well one day we decide it would be really cute to smack him on the ass and let him run out into the field. I think as we did it a cold shiver ran up our trainer's spine, her Spidey-senses tingled as she thought to herself "someone is doing something incrediably stupid, I can feel it" Well, after taking him out to the field with a halter, chain lead and rope around his neck for the next three months, we too realized it was an incrediably retarded thing to do. Keep in mind, we didn't even know enough to figure out this might be a bad idea, it was our trainer who had to show us how to fix it, you think day care workers have it bad? Now can you imagine if my sister and I had been left to our own devices on this one?

I think we all remember my first two saddle choices, first Australian saddle, second dark oil western saddle. What can I say, I am a slow learner. There were many others, the first show halter I bought, for Toby, the 16.1HH gelding, mare size, yep, I don't think I had it out of the bag yet when R. went, "nope, take it back" goddamnit! I did everything she said, I swear, dark oil, brass fittings (english showmanship) chain lead, blah, blah, blah. But no, I chose WRONG, again.

There were many, many outfits, suggested and rejected and I must say, she was right. I remember admiring some puke at a show and R's comment was "you are NEVER picking your own horse" me, I got noooo problem with that! I learned long ago not to question, I am usually wrong.

First time horse owners for the most part make one mistake, and that is forgiving their horse's quirks and opinions too much. Pony wants to run you down, don't be afraid to smack his ass, hard. Pony threatens when you go to girth? Smack his ass, hard. Pony won't stand still? back him up and smack his ass, hard. Smacking is a good thing sometimes.

Your horse doesn't love you, heck your horse doesn't even care enough about you to love you. If you dropped dead in the field going to get your horse, he wouldn't even glance your way, unless it was to dig food out of your pockets. It upsets people to know this, because they think it can't possibly be true, but, of course, they are wrong about that.

Poor, poor Burglar, the verdict is in, you have been dubbed "not too bright". Well I guess I am not surprised, I actually don't think you are that bright either, but my motto is "I likes ma dogs smart and ma horses dumb!" I mean he is a gelding after all! You are such a cute little punkin though! Last night on the lunge line was hilarious, dear god I hope the TB doesnt look like that under saddle! Here are some representations of what the Burglar looks like on the lunge line: mmmm so purdy! Big ol' head scwunchy neck and gangly legs windmilling around, so graceful!!

Today we tackle the pure evil that is found in the horse world, - mini horses. I bet no one could guess that I LOVE minis!!! I want to collect them like beanie babies and name them things like 'Nutter Butter', 'Shotzy', Jub-Jub, and Clumpy. I would decorate their stalls with puffy hearts made with glitter glue and I would dress them up in bonnets and easter dresses, even if they were boys.

I want my minis to be HORRIBLE too. I want them to squeal and kick and bite children mercilessly. I want them to be rotten for the farrier (sorry B.) and have to pay him extra just to deal with their miserable little selves. I am going to take them everywhere, loaded in my econoline dirtbag van. Just like this lady:

I am going to talk about "showing" them, and making them jump over precious little jumps but I never will. I will let them get horribly fat like little tubs of butter, buttery LOVE, that is!

This one I would call Snickers, and he would be a little bastard.

This one would be Napoleon because he is so Itty Bitty! :

This one would be Mini Me cause he is a mini and he is goddamn adorable.

This one is the most awesome little bad ass in the UNIVERSE! Tell me he couldn't kick your ass, while biting your kid! Woo HOO Rock on Lil Mini Dude!

There, I have finally admitted my deepest, darkest, blackest secret. I love minis.

Good bye, I have to go perform a cleansing ritual, I will be back to my snobby stock horse best tomorrow.

Sadly, my brief meteoric rise to the bottom of the top of the Michigan Novice Amateur placings is over. Somehow the skinny little teen that shows with me (you know who you are) managed to keep her name in the placings for youth. Uh huh, NOW I know how it works, apparently you have to place really well and not just be the only one that showed up to the Nov Am classes at the February show. Fine, if that is the way you want it MQHA, just fine!





I haven't been riding enough, I can tell you that, the Burglar is thrilled, however. Why is it he is really good when I ride him after time off? He is trying to reward me for not riding him, I know it, too bad, Burglar.

The Elephant Burglar and Mind Numbingly Boring Trail Riding

The Burglar was SOOOO happy yesterday, because he got ridden in a snaffle. Better than candy to the Burglar, no horrible spring loaded evil touching his soft, velvety and oh-so sensitive palate. He likes the snaffle because we can fall on our forehand, which makes us trip, and mommy cant lift up the front end you see because woo hoo who cares I am in a snaffle! Booger.

We had a good ride, actually, if he doesn't lose his mind we should be o.k. at the show next weekend. Poor Burglar, I put him out in the field, turned around and whammo! hood is pulled over our head and we can now only see out of one earhole (eeeevil blue eye staring!). My sister said he looked like the elephant man, "I am not a show pony, I am a Turd Burglar!!!". So I took advantage of the fact that he couldn't see me and snuck up on him and fixed it. Burglar? Why do you run from mommy like a dork?

O.K. I was going to post a picture of the Elephant Man but the pictures were grossing me out. I know what you are thinking, 'detox poo doesn't gross you out but the elephant man does?' what can I say but CORRECT!

So today I am going to talk about trail riding and trail riders.

Here's the thing, trail riders, you, yes YOU are the reason that people who don't ride don't consider riding a real sport. That is because it takes all the talent, balance and skill of a fresh corpse (even post-rigor mortis if you position them right) to trail ride. Every asshole says the same thing "its work for the horse, not you" That is when I stick dear husband on a pony in an english saddle and say, "o.k. asshole - post for 45 minutes". To be fair, hubby has learned his lesson, and when he gets uppity, I remind him how much he enjoyed in his words "a small child using my nuts for a punching bag"

So thanks for making my life miserable. I don't mind pony rides, heck we all loved them when we were 5 years old, but lets not pretend that trail riding is anything other than an pony ride for the over-40 set, o.k.? Cause it isn't. Especially now that all you Geritol types have discovered how smooth them Tennesse walkers and rocky mountain gaited disasters are.

I find it confusing that the people with the least riding skill feel compelled to get liquored up and ride around all day on barely broke horses over logs and through rivers and crap.

I have been on trail rides, sweet Jesus they are boring, they are usually on some horrible mistake of a horse (my last trail ride was on a an ex-bronc from the rodeo - Great F-ing Idea for a trail horse) my stirrups cranked up around my ears we took off on a half hour long pony ride. It is really boring, I wish I had been liquored up, perhaps it would have been fun.

My favorite is when trail riders get uppity and say things like "I'd like to see your show horse out on a trail crossing water and logs" well just because I dont slam my fingers in a car door for fun, doesn't mean I can't.

Ciao!

A Friday Limerick and "REAL" Hunters

There once was a Burglar of Turds
Who vowed never to finish third
each event was a Race,
alas, never to place
'cause mom treats me like I'm a nerd!


Oh, have I mentioned the clinic on Wednesday? Me. Want. Kill. Burglar. Burglar you are a naughty, naughty horse! How embarrasing is it when poor poor trainer has to get on you, Burglar? HMMM!?! Even the kid who was going to flip his horse over didn't have to get his wonderful, pokey, pokey spurs taken away, not to mention his big, spring-loaded spoon mouth bit? HMMMMM!?!

There is a horrible rumor going around that maybe, just maybe, I need to not be pokin' the Burglar so much with the "happy mommy" spurs. This rumor is followed by the pernicious suggestion that I might, just might, have to do a little Burglar butt smooching during his more spasmodic episodes. Oh TB, if you werent so wonderful, I might hate you.


Yep not exactly a rousing success on Wednesday night. We are still figuring out what makes the TB tick, butt kissing or ass beating or a combo platter? Seems like the combo platter is the ticket. Although he is so damn cute! I mean look at the Burglar:

Big pwittty white sock-ums, blonde, gorgeous, flowing hair. O.K. I forgive you Burglar!




Ok, My topic today is hilarious, it is Fox Hunting (good one right?) This is the funniest thing I have ever seen, but it is even better when people talk about it on the internet. God Damn, this is hilarious! Apparently there is some sort of "caste" system in the hunter/jumper/eventer/dressage/foxhunting world. It is some complex flow chart of who rides the best, who's horses suck and who is keeping it more "real". This is where the Europeans step in to school it ignorant masses and it makes for some of the most entertaining shit on the web. So on a recent bulletin board, some idiot started a post about "hunters" and how much they suck or something. So this snotty little shit comes on whose screen name is "Hunter Princess" (oh, I know, it gets better) starts getting all pissy with the stadium jumping morons, blah blah blah. Most of that was pretty much mind-numbing gas-bagging, when the QUEEN OF ALL GAS BAGS comes on to tell the dam colonists how unauthentic they are. This is her post:

"I agree with the OP. But it's more about the name, then anything. If it wasn't called 'Hunters', I would just ignore it, but to me, it's an insult to a sport that requires a much higher level of riding, ie Hunting. The forward seat is ridiculous, the horses travel flat and slow and manage to drag themselves over minute jumps without the slightest bit of impulsion. It makes me cringe. I very much doubt a rider, or even a horse, that competes solely in Hunter classes could ever Hunt in 'real life', they probably couldn't keep up with the field, and I bet the horse would fall on his nose the moment he was presented with a decent sized hedge. You're looking at drops of more then 6 feet, and great, wide, solid objects to be jumped from a gallop, and that's just a normal day's hunting, not over particularily big country. We have Hunter classes in the UK, too, but solid RID type horses win, and you're expected to jump 4' rustic jumps from a working canter, and display a gallop. These are used to test the ability of REAL HUNTERS. '

What a goddam windbag, Jesus! I did however, laugh my ass off because then all the hunters got all pissy etc. True internet comedy. Apparently, and I did not know this, "real" Eurotrash
hunters are better than stadium jumpers and stadium jumpers are better than A-Circuit hunters but A-Circuit hunters are better than stock horse hunting because, you guessed it, it is stock horse hunters. I would make up a flow chart but I don't care that much.



The clothes look like any womanish gear for English riding, but I am sure, it is much better than anything around here. I think it is made from the downy hair of newborn serfs from their village, at least the ones that the Lord isn't related to. "Men" for lack of a better term have to wear the red coat, cause, you know, it is so manly, and everybody gets to wear a flappity cravat-shirt thing. If you are really foppish, you get a yellow vest, which signifies you have syphilus, passed down from King George.
They do this kind of crap in the U.S. too, but mostly it is confined to, you guessed it, the south. do you really need any more reason to hate it than that? Somewhere in there I am sure saddleseat has its rancid beginnings, I am sure of it. This sport, while harmless in that almost no one wants to be seen doing something this fruity, is truly one of the more amusing things I have found on the web lately. Can you smell the exclusivity and assholy-ness, I sure can!

Ta Ta for now!

Ugly Ugly Tack

Hello Everyone!

Uneventful lesson last night, trail trail trail, I am living, eating and sleeping trail. Watching youtube trail videos, thinkin' 'bout lope poles, trot poles... up and over, turn, TURN!

Today's topic is ugly tack, I took on "buckleseat" a couple of weeks ago, so now it is western's turn. There is a piece of tack that I hate so much that I can barely write about it without blacking out. It is the breast collar, I hate it, it is ugly and useless, and if you find it useful, you are doing something stupid. To the right you will find some lovely examples of nylon breast collars mmmmmm, soo purty. How about that sweet purple one? I am sure it would look super cool while gaming. But you know, if you don't want all that nylony-ness. There is this butt ugly model, for the workin' hoss.

If you aren't wrasslin' doggies, and lets face it, no one is doing that, why would you have one of theses things? I suspect gamers use them, I have no proof of this, but I think I am on to something there. The thing I really don't understand is when people use them to show western pleasure, horsemanship etc. I know, it is more space to throw silver but, its ugly. I would hope nobody would go out an buy a silver breast collar, I mean I can understand the 4h-y mentality that dictates 'if it came with the saddle, I'm gonna use it' but does anyone actually purchase these thing independantly?

The next ugly piece of tack is perhaps, the most ghoulish devices ever created. It is: romel reins. Now, because God hates me, I think I am actually going to have to use this "thing" for my trail classes eventually. I can hear my sister laughing at me right now, it is a hollow, joyless laugh. Look at these things, they are horrible, it looks like a snake that swallowed some legos, ugh.

No! I have it! they look like the stuff people crap out when they go on "cleansing diets" and take a picture of their poo and send it to the detox diet site on the internet. Really what color is that besides baby diarrhea brown? they don't come in any other color, I checked. O. K. I am sorry that was really gross, but sometimes the truth is disgusting.

The next thing falls into a category into which I try not to delve too deeply. There seems to be some fascination with dangly things, not just any dangly thing mind you, but dangly things made of horse hair. As I suspected, whilst doing my research instead of working at my job, I have found that this is some kind of vaquero ranchy california thing. I am seeing a disturbing trend here. Here are some lovely examples of the dangly tack:

Look, it even comes with a breastcollar, (of course it does).

Apparently you can attach these dangly things anywhere you like, look really closely at the following image, under the horse? hell, why not? Look at all the crap going on here wow, white noise for your eyes. Of course it has a breast collar, and lots of ropy, tie-y things. The image to the right, THREE? tassels, is this really necessary? How many flies are you people expecting? Well that is about all I have energy for today. There is more ugly tack, I assure you. We will get to it all I am sure. Western clinic tonight, I will update you all on the relative burglary-ness of our ride.

Ciao!

Trail idiots (that arent the Burglar!) and buyin' -n- sellin'

Rode Thursday night and over the weekend, Burglar seems to be coming along just fine. Maybe soon I will attempt to try the lead change my trainer is putting on him. Doing all these trail poles has gotten me used to not being left behind when the Burglar is launching himself into his poles, so maybe I can keep up with his lead changes. So the new client at our barn is turning out to be a bit of a nut, she has an aged mare, who isn't a bad horse, but just has learned to push this lady's buttons. Personally, I think this lady is WAY TOO timid to own a horse at all. She doesn't really want to learn to ride, she just wants her horse to be good, which it will never be for her. So what does a timid rider decide to do? Buy an arab! of course, it makes sooo damn much sense! Her other genius idea was to buy a weanling. Christ on a bike lady, why don't you buy a stallion while you are at it!

All of this would be none of my damn business, aside from being pretty funny, if the woman hadn't complained that me and another rider were in the arena during her lesson. WTF? bitch rolls in twice with her trail horse and is preturbed because what? the Burglar was going along so quiet? That he wasn't rearing and striking on the lunge line? That I wasn't jangling around and too loose to canter? hmmmmm. Nice way to make friends, idiot. You want a trail horse, aren't they supposed to be exposed to everything? argh. What a freak.

Anyway, my topic today is on buying and selling a horse. First, the buyers. When you are buying a horse, and I shouldn't have to tell anyone this, make sure you get your trainer's opinion.

Don't have a trainer? that must mean you are a trainer/breeder, right?

No?

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO ME!

If you don't have a trainer or instructor, and you aren't a trainer or instructor, you probably shouldn't be picking your own horse. I am sure plenty of people have picked their own horse, but I am guessing that in 75% of the cases, it was a total disaster. If you don't have a trainer, you are a juicy bone for the pickin', and you WILL be picked clean. Here is a clue for you, vet checks are largely useless especially if you are too cheap to pay for x-rays. Don't bother wasting everyone's time and your money. I trust 2, maybe three vets to do a vet check, the other ones are idiots or kooks, sometimes both, and that is if you are lucky and don't get a totally crooked vet who will fail or pass anything with a heartbeat.

Please people, stop expecting a horse in its 10+ year to vet clean, it isn't going to. That doesn't mean it is crippled, think of doing a vet check on yourself, you wouldn't vet clean either, but would you hold up to daily use? Yeah, you would.

If you come out and ride a horse five times, then watch it being ridden even more and it is sound everytime you have come out, it is probably o.k.. You ain't buying One Hot Krymsun here lady, you are probably getting what you are paying for, if you aren't stupid, that is.

O.K. Sellers, here is my beef with you. If your horse is priced under 10K, it is priced 2K too high. I can say that right off the top of my head. 5 years ago your solid paint, open show quality horse might, (I said might) have been worth $7,000. today, it is worth $4,000 tops. Anything you feel like pricing at $5,000 will get sold at $3,800. Them's the breaks, the depreciation catches up as soon as you reach the limit of what your horse can do.

Then there are the people who are really, truely smoking crack. We had one at my barn, thank god she is gone now. Had a rank-ass mare, 15.3HH on a good day, kinda cute in HUS but really, come on, she was too small and her front end was WAY too noisy for western pleasure. No mind for patterns. No points, finalist in showmanship at congress. (really this means nothing, any horse can do showmanship, come on...) $25K non-negotiable. Well turns out it was negotiable after all, by about $15,000 actually, which is what that puke was probably worth anyway. Not that I would have taken that horse if it was free, yuck!

So, that is about it. EVERYONE has heard that a horse is worth what someone will pay for it, this is one of the few true things a horseperson will tell you.

Ciao!

The crash course in trail continues, I am officially dubious about our chances of success at the March show. My only chance is if the Burglar realizes that going as fast as you can is not the point of trail. I swear that the TB was a thoroughbred in a former life, oh, that's right he isn't stupid or crazy, so that couldn't be it! Trail makes our brainz smoke a little, but such a good boy!

It has been a whole two days and no one on the internet has called me an idiot, troll or a bitch, I feel kinda lonely.... Oh well I am sure I can piss someone off enough before the weekend. Apparently there are not that many people who find me funny, this is a little baffling to me because I am pretty sure I am hilarious, all my friends think so, and my mom does too. Doesn't that make it true?

Today I feel like emptying my mind of various opinions so here we go.

Can winter die already? really, and I like winter, I like it because I get to wear enough clothes to cover my fat and not be hot, but even I am getting sick of it. I hate when it is too cold to ride, which has happened way too many times this winter. Now the Burglar has to wear PJ's when I ride, and sometimes he forgets he has them on and scares himself when he turns a corner. This is not fair to the Burglar. Also it has to get warm so I can take off his hood before his entire mane and forlock rub out, the last thing I want is my sister and trainer to be able to tell me they told me so! It is a race against the clock at this point.

Thoroughbreds, I hate them, the only thing they are good for is making nice AQHA HUS horses, (sometimes) they can jump and run around really fast in a circle, they eat too much, spook too much, scream too much, and they are really, really stupid. They have no asses either, horses should have an ass. Oh and they have big, dumb ugly heads too. Anything that requires special feed so that it isn't too hyper to ride is a piece of shit. said it. not sorry. I know they are cheap to buy, but really if you want something that is cheap, stupid and ugly, why not buy an Arab? They at least can be ridden western (although this is debatable) and they are smaller so that when you fall off, it doesn't hurt as much. Above is a picture of a thoroughbred running off with someone, which is, I think, what they excel at.

This brings me to "saddle fit" why do hunter/jumpers and all english people have an obsession with saddle fit. "my horse rears" - must be saddle fit. "My horse bucks" - saddle fit. " My horse is retarded" - call the chiropracter and check your saddle fit. What kind of sissy horses do you people ride? I know they are always crippled but that is because you JUMP them over 11' jumps! not because their saddle doesn't fit. Hunter/jumpers LOVE to yap about how they never start a horse before it is like, 30 years old, thats the only way to get a normal useable lifespan out of those broken down OTTB POS's. Example at left, do YOU think this is a saddle fit issue?

Because god is merciful, I have no interaction with the actual people who do hunter/jumpers. I can only assume that I wont like them very much because I am sure that they probably hate stockhorses and it might turn into a Sharks vs. Jets rumble in which my gang wins.

So now I am an idiot.... tell me something I don't know!

Apparently my blog about Arabians didn't go over so well, imagine being offended by my humble ramblings? So now I am an "idiot", a troll and apparently someone "died and made me the brain of what is the best breed" (sic) . Look I keep telling people, you don't have to come here, but one of the more "unamused" decided to copy my entire blog on Arabs and paste it on Horse City. Now I stepped in it, I am now a pariah in the Arab world, -darn? Well today to show how equal opportunity offensive I can be I am going to talk about what I consider the harbinger of doom to all that is wonderful in the stock horse show world, the evil, senseless event called "reining".

Reining, as I have discussed before, is horrible. It has now become the "sport" of the backyard yahoo. I swear they only like it because they can fly around like idiots and wear ugly clothes. Let me start by listing everything I hate about reining:

-I hate the clothes: they are ugly, "ranchy" and did I mention ugly? example:

-I hate the tack: there is WAY too much going on with the tack, skid boots, breast collars (my fave), ugly saddle pads, ugly saddles, the possibility of Romel Reins (ug, shudder), and browband headstalls. mmmmm such a lovely picture.

- the horses, 14hh little palomino turds with long manes, are all reiners palomino? I think they have to be by law.

- the people: AQHA rule #5099-b (NRHA rule # 1) states that you must be "at least 6'4" tall and weigh no more than 100lbs if you are a man. If you are a woman, you must have scraggly trailer park hair that sproings out from under your hat and flaps offensively in the air" that is a direct quote from the rule book, mmm so pretty....

-the event itself: it is graceless and boring as hell, I think dressage is more interesting, and I think you all know how much I hate dressage - I hate dressage A LOT.

Now I am sure that there are some super-fantastical reiners out there that make the saints weep with their grace and beauty. I'm just saying that I have never seen one. The only ones I have ever seen never stick their spins, their "slides" consist of jamming thier back legs in the ground, and their lead changes suck ass. The pattern is stupid big fast circle. small slow circle, crappy lead change.... it is about now that I wander off to get a pretzel and shuffle around going "Christ! how long is this going to take?".

'But Exes,' you say, 'I know reining is a hideous boil on the backside of the stockhorse industry, but how is it the harbinger of doom?' Well let me 'splain:

It wasn't long ago that every back yard quarter horse owner thought that Flash could do western pleasure, they were damn sure and some even insisted on showing in it. When they found out that they had to actually clean their horse and train it, they decided that western pleasure was boring anyway and went on a search for a new event.

Cutting, and roping requires some skill, and cows, and since we can't even bother to clean our horse for a show, there is no way we are gonna try an find some cows, or some skill. And so reining was invented. Hey its half the fun of horsemanship and you don't have to groom! 'thats for me!' . (be patient I am getting to the "doom").

And so with the rise of reining and the 'beautiful' long manes that backyarders love so much, a marriage was made in hell. Spring is trumpeted no longer by the song of migratory birds, but by the postings on bulletin boards about long manes.

They usually start off something like

'Here is a picture of Dusty (insert picture of thick-necked ugly-headed long maned horror here) I am so NOT cutting his beautiful mane. What should I do with it for showmanship, halter, horsemanship and western pleasure' .

Then someone says "cut it"

and then some other sympathetic yahoo comes on and says, "Oh no! you don't have to cut it, blahbitty blah showed at the Worlds with a long mane and won!"

and then someone (o.k., Me) says "cut it anyway, long manes are not a trend"

and so it goes on and on....

The dream:

The reality:

The thing that scares me is, what if the yahoos are right? What if "long beeee-yoooo-ti-full" manes make a comeback. Dear god no, it burns us. argh!

Ciao!

Trail Burglars and brainless twits.

Turd Burglar was such a good boy yesterday, I rode him in the evil ball spurs, and he was a pretty good boy. We are on a crash course in Trail for the March show, the poles are soooo good for the Burglar, we have to use our brains and it is very hard! I LOVE the poles, tight turns all of it is really fun, Burglar rushes too much though, patience Burglar, patience.....

Sunday was fun, I went early to miss the weekend instructor and her train wreck clients. Looks like there might be some more sweet 25-50 people around yay! not as awesome as the "magnificent 3" (me, J & L) but hey, you gotta start somewhere. So exciting to be the "old timer" and not the new guy who doesn't know anything (ha ha teenagers! thinkin' you are so cool) .

I am having a hard time coming up with anything funny today because mostly I am sick and mouth-breathing and it saps all my humor. I think I will pick an easy topic today, stupid horse breeds.
Stupid breed # 1: Arabs. I know, I know its so easy, there is so much material. I will try to make it fresh for you. What are arabs actually for? I mean besides spooking. I guess they can to English classes, but really what horse cant do english? But look at this:
These horses are too small for grown-ups and too stupid for children. Adults really do look like idiots on Arabs, they may as well be ponies, no one over 13 should be allowed to own one. Plus look at all the freekin tack this woman has to use on that thing. yeech. mmmm, nice breeches by the way, lady.

The only thing worse than an arabian doing english is an arabian doing western, ...........

Sorry I had to go throw up. People love to yap about how arabian are great at western and that they can do everything and never run around crazy and act like retards. These are all horrible lies. I just want to point out that while hunter/jumper idiots like to drone about how stock horse huntseat is really "wenglish" or western in english tack, I give you "arab Western pleasure". What kind of horrible mockery of an event is this? These people FLY around the pen jingling and jangling, heads in the air zooming circles around the judges, how is this western pleasure. Sorry to all the stupid breed loons out there, only stock horses should do western. Period. I don't want to hear your arguements, you are wrong. Here, lets compare: This is some sort of "competition" called the Scottsdale Classic, apparently it is a great big deal to arab horse people. Sounds stupid to me.

Now look at this in comparison:

It is obvious to even the untrained reader which animal is superior, the stock horse, exactly. Both these men (well only one man, really) are riding in western gear, but only one looks cool. Really, men shouldn't ride arabs, there, I said it and I am not sorry.

Oh, and lets not forget my all time favorite discipline, Saddleseat, arabs can have saddleseat, or they can duke it out with all the other airhead breeds for the rights to it for all I care. The whole thing makes me want to poke my eyes out with dirty pencils, I hate it that much.

Here, look at it! Its like picking at a scab, isn't it? There is some sort of "sport" called "endurance" that arabs are supposed to be great at. I think it is when the horse tests your endurance for not killing it.

My favorite is when arab owners claim that their horses are actually smart and that is the reason why they act so stupid. This cracks me up, then again if you own an arab, maybe the horse is smarter than you..... hmmm.

Someone posted on a bulletin board that I frequent that they wanted tips to help their friend, who had had a couple bad falls, get more confidence riding. The problem was that the horse she was currently riding was an arab and it spooked all the time because (and this is the humorous part) the arab was sensitive and could tell the lady was nervous, so thats why it spooked. Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, that is about all I have to say about that. Ciao!

Finally got to ride the darn TB last night. He was not pleased. First I pull him away from his delicious grain, then I strip him naked, slap a saddle on him, shove my big ol' Robarts Spring Loaded Spoon mouth in his gob and hop on. My punishment for not riding enough was apparently to take away my lovely, effective, yet twitch-inducing, pokey spurs and give me evil ball spurs that do not poke enough. TB was, as always wonderful when we started, then we did patterns which he did not find amusing at all. My trainer thinks he got cold and started acting all hot and dorky. Next time he gets to wear Pajamas so he ain't so cold! Poor baby (but he was kind of a turd).

I must say his mane is looking pretty sweet right now, think old, dirty wig at the bottom of grandma's hope chest. eeew. shudder! It is only about 3 inches long, but it is all scrunchy and matted, blech. He is shedding like a beast though and if I wasn't such a slob, I would be able to find my rubber curry and give him a good going over, hmmm maybe Sunday.



I did a quick internet check to see if I had milked enough humor from "classical riding" and although I am sure it has so much more to offer, I am easily bored, and so, I move on...

Today I am going to talk about barns and barn culture. There are several different types of horse-loving creatures at the barn. Teenagers are always to be found at a barn, they are like barn cats, only more shuffle-y. I like barn teenagers actually, for the most part horsie teens are pretty funny and friendly. Every once and a while a mope will shuffle in and grunt at you while working out their teen angst, but otherwise a pretty amenable bunch. Plus I like to make fun of them in the clinics and they have to respect me because I am old. Ha. Ha. The 18-25 crowd are mostly in college, every once in a blue moon they will shuffle in and visit (notice a distinct pattern of shuffling with the younger set?) It is always good to see them because, lets face it, they are last year's teenagers, only now they don't dress as nice and they shuffle more.

The 25-35 crowd, now here is where you can get into trouble, there are many sub-categories in this age group, some of them pretty scary. the first sub-category is the professionals, that is the breeders, trainers etc, they're cool. Next come the "mommies" this is a group so sad, so forlorn that it makes my heart swell with happiness that I am not them every time they herd Taylor, Sophia, Jake, Tristan and Agamemnon in for their lessons on Sunday with the "weekend instructor" . Mommies are far too busy to make it out during the week, when any real riding is done. So they wake up all bright and sparky on Saturday and drive Aiden, Jaden, Caden, Braden and Hayden out for their quintuple lesson. There are usually a gaggle of mommies (gaggies, is the technical term, FYI) they plunk their big ol' khaki covered butts in folding chairs, cover themselves with blankets and blather the entire time about yoga, soccer, how Tanner and Grayson are doing at Sylvan Learning center and pee wee hockey. this is usually done while the smaller of the gaggies' brood scream and run around the barn trying to "feed the horsies". (is my revulsion coming through O.K?, cause, you know, I could ramp it up....)

The next category comprises me, and all the truly cool clients at the barn (3 of us) it is the respectably under 50 but no longer a "mommy". We have older kids, and now have the time to be truly great, which, you know, we are. Really what more is there to say?

The next group is the 50+ horse owners, you notice I didn't say riders, because there are 2 types of 50+ people at any given barn. The first type are the "select" riders, you can tell this group has been showing since the beginning of time , because their mantra is "it just doesn't matter!" they put their horse in training, because they don't really ride, they have been riding so long that really, what is the point? So they hop on at a show, go in the 50+ or "select" classes, crash around, win and call it good. Don't try to teach them equitation, its not that they don't want to be better riders, its that they just dont really care enough to try to be better riders. My pet name for them is "old bags" , because truly, that is what they are. Rowdy, hilarious old bags.

The second group of 50+ horse owners are the "old hags" I touched on them in the "classical riding" post. These are the sour, bitter dregs of humanity. They are either "dressage" freaks because they are too scared to jump anymore (not that I blame them for that) but still don't really ride. They can also be rabid parelli freaks who need to 'desensitize' poor Jasper before they ever ride him. Jasper must be really, really spooky because it takes them about 5 years to "desensitize" their horses. The old hags can also be women that used to own horses, or their kids owned horses a jillion years ago, if that is the case they usually spend their time sticking their nose into other peoples business to tell them what they are doing wrong. The last 50+ group are the "rescuers" which usually goes about as well as you would expect it to.

Ciao!

Just proving my point...

I pulled this off a comment board, just in case everyone thought I was making up the hot airy-ness of the "classical riding" post:



"After my Nuno Oliveira comments I decided she just wasn't worth wasting finger-typing on anymore. Anyone who starts quoting crap like that to justify their BYBing habits...well, wasted effort.I had a trainer out today, he was kind enough to drive two hours to get here. He works Californian Vaquero style, after the man who introduced western riding into Austria, Jean-Claude Dysli. Sadly, Dysli has just talked him into going to Andalusian. So, that's another trainer gone. It's hard to find classical trainers here.He rode my black stallion while here, was interesting to compare his style with the style of my previous trainer who recently passed away at the age of 47."

Read that again, it really is worth it, what a load of shit. Classical riding, I just threw up in my own mouth. "Californian Vaquero" what the hell is that? Someone sold this Austrian a big smelly load o'goods, can you imagine the Euros she is shelling out? Her "black stallion" (WTF?), Jesus F-ing Christ!

The "masters" that idiot mentioned may be great for all I know, but If I were them I would seek out every moron who utters crap like that quoted above, and beat them to death with my dressage derby or whatever the hell it's called.

Here is another gem from a "classical riding"
"During her adult years, Diana has learned from many talented instructors - each of whom she thanks for giving her one or hundreds of valuable pieces to the "puzzle": Leni Clifford of Dedication Farm, Tom Larson, Bent Jensen, Charles DeKunffy, Stephanie Millham of Catlett, VA, Bill Biggs of California, Mari Zdunic (protege of Chuck Grant) of Michigan, Dr. Sherry Ackerman of California, Wendy Carlson (R) of Maryland and Bettina Drummond of Connecticut."

Cripes! how old are you? 96? what is it with dressage wipes and name-dropping? is it required or something? I am sorry but if you EVER mention the words "classical" and "riding" in the same sentance, I hope you choke on your cumberbund. I think we should close our boarders to fruity eurotrash. They are going to steal all the sneering and snide comments from our fruity Amero-trash dressage wipes.

yuck, I have to go brush the vomit out of my teeth now.
Good Bye!

STILL pissing off Fuglies (apparently) and "Classical Hags"

**Note to the 3 people who read this blog, I am now moderating comments 1) because I can, and 2) because aparently that chick from Fugly keeps coming over and posting inane comments from herself and some other "anonymous" person and although they SAID they were done and would quit coming because I had nothing educational on my blog (WTF?!?!). What they want is the last word, and, as all of you that know me understand, that ain't gonna happen. Nor do I want to spend my time answering really lame barbs from Fugly freaks. Ha Ha Ha, eat it Fuglies.**

My totally and completely unrelated topic today is about my new favorite type of horse people, crabby dried up has beens and never was-es. They have ALL the info and they will crabbily share it with you whether you want it or not. See, you are doing it wrong, I don't care what it is, its wrong and stupid, ugh! why do I even bother! Uber bitchy "classical" riding bitches. These are the ones who "trained" with some trainer I am supposed to have heard of (people, I do QH, I do not know any of your so-called "masters" so name dropping really isn't helping) about 400 years ago when the flunked out of college. So they hung around Karl Shmizenhauzer (I made that up) and "learned how to really ride" but never actually won anything or went anywhere.

Look, my grandpa claims to have danced with Flo Ziegfeld, but guess what gramps? NOBODY CARES nor do I want to hear how crappily the "kids today" are dancing. Anyway, I digress, these old bags, who can't bring themselves to ride anymore because everything sucks so much now-a-days, often open up "Rescues" . Mmmmm sounds nice doesnt it? poor embittered has beens giving all their attention to their 45 year old lame blind three legged broodmares? If you kiss their ass, A LOT, they might take you in as their little toady, then you can listen to all the stories about how riders today don't know crap, and if they had studied with Xenophon like she had, well things might just not suck so much.

These ladies cannot laugh, because nothing is funny, you see, not when poor no-headed Tennesee Walking horses with cushings, laminitis and scurvy are suffering, you unfeeling asshole!

Why bother showing those droopy, on-the-forehand western horses you whipper snappers seem to love these days? Don't you know I already won everything worth winning? well, my trainer Quetzalquoatol, the ancient native american master did, anyway, and I was there! Well, they hadn't invented horse shows then, but if they had he would have rocked. So Agnes or Petunia or whatever their names are just sort of HANG AROUND horse events and mutter stuff under their breath, hoping someone will say "I'm sorry, did you say something?". Don't ever do that, it is like blowing the horn for the Kraken! YOU WILL BE DEVOURED!!!!!!!

They are always unmarried or divorced (gosh I wonder why? they seem so pleasant) childless, and totally broke. They are broke because they spend all their money going to auctions and picking up the latest hard luck story, then they can tsk tsk all the people who did nothing, NOTHING! but stand by while the 75 year old no-eyed former cart horse was going to go to the meat buyers!! They hate slaughter, or love it , I stop paying attention right about then.

Only THEY , the anointed ones, can see a diamond in the rough, you see the horse on the right? all it needs is some groceries. That one is a beautiful horse, I must buy it and maybe even breed it cause only I know what I am doing. all it needs is a little food and all my love!

They love the Dr. Cooks bitless bridle, because you know EVERYTHING they own now was abused by some show person see-sawing on their horses mouth. But in reality they ride maybe 3 times a year so go for it Beulah! I love when they roll into a show, cause then you actually get to hear all the reasons why they didn't win (which they never do) "well that kid kept running up on us!" "my horse was abused by a clipboard before so he is scared of the judge" "well if I paid 40 kagillion dollars for my saddle I would win too" no, you wouldn't Agnes, you wouldn't.

Now I've done it!

Ciao!

Oh, dear Lord, I try to be good, I really try. Then you make me go to the 4H tack sale, and now I am sure to secure my place in hell.

You know those horse barns that aren't very clean, that have a mixture of hay, dirt and little scraps of useless, dirty leather horse-related things in the corners. Now imagine you take a shovel, scoop out all that crap and dump it on a table. THAT is what the tack sale is like. Doesnt' anyone own anything decent that they want to sell? You dont HAVE to sell stuff, you know, I know you loved your old crap from the '80s but no one wants it, they don't want it even if it was free, which it isn't.

Anyone who says that the United States is a "throw away" society has obviously never been to a 4H tack sale. I have been going to this same tack sale for over 5 years now, and to the lady with the dressage saddle that is so sun faded that it is now a lovely army green color, no one is going to buy that thing, why don't you GIVE it to a really poor kid or donate it to a theraputic riding facility or something. If no one wanted to pay $1 for the ugly, upholstry fabric bright purple vest with gold sequin slashes on it LAST YEAR the chances are pretty good that you can throw it away an not feel guilty about it.

The tack sale is funny because you have the cheapest people on earth both shopping and selling, so when they have something they consider "good" they ain't givin it away, you can be sure. So the cheapest people on earth are sniffin around and turning up their nose at the very same crap that they themselves are attempting to sell on their own table. It is a very surreal experience. No, you aren't going to get a Harris saddle for $300 bucks, but NO your 25 year old used up Steve Flick saddle isn't worth $3,500 dollars either. $200 for a low-midrange show halter? Is this a bargain? not really, you can get a low-midrange one for that price that is new AND clean!

Here is a tip for anyone looking to outfit themselves for showing at the 4H tack sale, this is a band uniform, as far as I can tell it is a simply lovely band uniform. What it isn NOT, however, is a show shirt, as a show shirt it is ass-ugly. Do not buy anything with bones on it, you know those "Adam and the Ants" shirts from 1982? Unless you plan to roll as a dandy highwayman, step away from the table.

So what should one buy from the 4H tack sale? I liked the popcorn, that was good. Why are all the bits at a tack sale 4.5"? What horse has a mouth that small? the answer is none. They are at the tack sale because when they were purchased they were too small, and now you are hoping that some other idiot will buy them just like you did. Oh, something else, steer away from sequins, they are universally horrible, especially when they are tarnished sequins (oh, yes I did see that!) on a garment that was gotten when the ringmaster of Barnham and Baily circus thought it was too ugly to wear. It had gold, purple, green and black tarnished sequins

So what did I find? a pair of spurs for a few bucks less than I could buy new, and I don't have to wait, hey I consider myself a winner!

Ciao!

Hello,

Aside from being terribly ill today, (o.k. UPS needed a signature for my saddle AND I happen to be terribly ill) not much going on. I am having horrible dreams about the Burglar, last one was that he went all crazy on me and my trainer was sure he was now a horrible puke. I also dreamed that the headstall I brought to show in was a browband headstall it was really ugly and I had to show in it, OH HORROR OF HORRORS! I have been sick, what can I say? I miss riding the Burglar, I even watched RFDTV today, so you know I miss my horse.

RFDTV is great entertainment, but mostly it is pretty boring. If you like hearing Pat Parelli drone on about what ever it is he drones on about, I suppose it is enthralling. Mostly his show is excruciatingly boring. Clinton Anderson has a cute cowboy butt, however, he needs a new hat, I hate his hat, it looks like a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a white plate. Oh and Clinton must never open his mouth, ever. His voice sours milk and makes crops die in the field. (I have evidence).

What I don't understand is what did all the bitter, horse loving spinsters do before natural horsemanship? I mean did they own horses anyway? Probably, lets face it, their horses aren't much better with Parelli anyway.

The commercials are the best. I saw a commercial for the "no buck" trainer which is some sort of contraption you put on your horses head so he doesn't bronc you off. The best part of the commercial is that the people look like they are having just about as much fun before the "no buck" trainer as they are after the "no buck" trainer - which is none at all. The goober on the commercial is definitely going to be sterile, but that isn't really a bad thing now that I think about it...

The other commercial I saw was for "road to the horse" which is some sort of colt starting competition. Oy Vey! what a spectacle that looks like! It is some sort of event where a bunch of crabby old bags are led into an arena and whipped into a frenzy by big bouncy balls and ropes-on-a-stick. The natural horsemanship trainers lasso one of the spinsters and attempts to get them to stand on a box and jump over cow colored barrels or something, then they let them loose into the wild to own cats and piss and moan on horse bulletin boards on the internet. I was taking robitussin at the time so I am not so sure about that last part.

The picture shows Pat Parelli with the spinster he lassoed in last years competition, I think she lives on an equestrian community now and condems all the people who ride their horses as abusive.

Ciao!

Pissin off the fuglies...

Oh joy, It appears that I have COMPLETELY pissed off everyone on the Fugly Horse of the Day blog, they told me to that nobody likes me and that I should go away. So I did. I am completely unable to behave myself on the horse bulletin board sites, mostly because there is some really, really huge butt nuts on them and I manage to always piss them off.

Funny thing is, I posted what I consider a very amusing blog about hunter under saddle yesterday morning, completely unaware of the poo-storm I would fan on Fugly.

Anyway, so last night was the dreaded HUS clinic, managed to do O.K. the Burglar likes HUS because he gets to run, and run, and run Weeeeeee! What a very bad Burglar. He is eeeee-vil, this is his diabolical and cunning plan. I have to ride huntseat every so often so I can pretend that I may show in it one day, and my trainer can pretend she believes me. The Burglar knows this, because of his amazing powers of reasoning, and all of his PhDs. So, the Burglar is slowly poisoning me my making me build up so much lactic acid, that my liver shuts down and I drop dead. It's like the Da Vinci code in its complexity, but it is, none the less, a very cunning plan...

My darling husband, has been ordered, as his special Valentines day gift, to go to UPS and pick up my saddle, because UPS thinks that the roads we live on are too dangerous to negociate. Do they not know the importance of this magical talisman? I must have it today or I will drop dead, it is that serious. Ugh, I am spent.

Ciao!

Death of a Turd Burglar and "World Domination"

I REALLY hope my saddle comes today, ME WANT IT! it is a magical mystical saddle and will not only make me happy but will make the Turd Burglar go around perfectly, and no longer burgle turds. I will have to change his nickname to ShinyHappy PerfectPants. I am going to a clinic tonight, a hunt seat clinic. I never show hunt seat, and I never practice huntseat. The Burglar moves forward fine, what more is there to practice?

Actually the reason I never practice is twofold, one, the posting trot is not exactly ol' Exes strongpoint, if you know what I mean. But the second is actually just as off-putting. Seriously, what the hell is the fascination huntseaters have with buckles? They are EVERYWHERE buckles on the bridle, the stirrups, four on the girth, buckles on the reins. Cripes! and can I just add that how come none of these buckles are ever short enough, or long enough or "oh I need a half-hole" enough.

The bridle alone is an engineering nightmare, just look at it, there are like 8 buckles on the bridle alone! I don't even think that is counting that flappy nose thing (I know it is a "flash noseband"-not shown here- and apparently it is very important - research shows if you use one it stops your horse from opening its mouth wide enough to choke on a buckle - CAUSE THERE ARE SO GODDAM MANY OF THEM!)

Why do we have to have a buckle on the reins? just asking, I mean really is it just for decoration? I will tell you they did a total of 4 'attachments' correct in the English strappy-buckley world, those are the attachments that hook the reins to the bit, and the headstall to the bit. Those are the easiest damn attachments in the horse world, hands down, the little hooky thing works perfectly. The downside is that of course we need the little leather "keepers" to hold the strappy-ass ends down.

Maybe all the buckles are just to facilitate the little leather keeper things, I think there are two of those for every buckle, aaah, diabolical indeed, distract me with a plethora of shiny buckles when it is really all about the little leather loops with dreams of world domination.

That doesn't explain the saddle fittings though now, does it? four girth buckles? really? this is, of course assuming you don't have to use a girth extender (because, you know the buckles that are already there aren't really useful for tightening or loosening anything). Then, of course, we have the buckles on the stirrup leathers, which, after they are buckled, tried, punch a new hole, nope, now they are uneven, should I wrap them, argh, now they are too short goddamnit!- tuck nicely into the flesh on the inside of your thigh right above your knee. This is to keep them out of the way of the series of 15 straps that attach the stirrup to the saddle, their job is to pinch the fat on your calves.

That is all before I even TRY to get on. Why is the girth never tight enough? Why must my saddle slip towards me every stinking time? Why God? Why? I tighten the buckles, I really do, as goddamn tight as I can, yet, without fail, I almost fall and smush the junk in my trunk. Now my leg is up over my head and I am pinwheeling trying not to die. So now, I have to f*cking start all over with the goddamn buckles again. Jesus!

Okay, this time I make it quick, I am up and SHIT! where is the saddle? Oh that's right, I forgot, I am sitting on it, Englishmen had a real funny sense of humor . Ha ha, real funny, assholes.

Off to die, Ciao!