Death of a Turd Burglar and "World Domination"

I REALLY hope my saddle comes today, ME WANT IT! it is a magical mystical saddle and will not only make me happy but will make the Turd Burglar go around perfectly, and no longer burgle turds. I will have to change his nickname to ShinyHappy PerfectPants. I am going to a clinic tonight, a hunt seat clinic. I never show hunt seat, and I never practice huntseat. The Burglar moves forward fine, what more is there to practice?

Actually the reason I never practice is twofold, one, the posting trot is not exactly ol' Exes strongpoint, if you know what I mean. But the second is actually just as off-putting. Seriously, what the hell is the fascination huntseaters have with buckles? They are EVERYWHERE buckles on the bridle, the stirrups, four on the girth, buckles on the reins. Cripes! and can I just add that how come none of these buckles are ever short enough, or long enough or "oh I need a half-hole" enough.

The bridle alone is an engineering nightmare, just look at it, there are like 8 buckles on the bridle alone! I don't even think that is counting that flappy nose thing (I know it is a "flash noseband"-not shown here- and apparently it is very important - research shows if you use one it stops your horse from opening its mouth wide enough to choke on a buckle - CAUSE THERE ARE SO GODDAM MANY OF THEM!)

Why do we have to have a buckle on the reins? just asking, I mean really is it just for decoration? I will tell you they did a total of 4 'attachments' correct in the English strappy-buckley world, those are the attachments that hook the reins to the bit, and the headstall to the bit. Those are the easiest damn attachments in the horse world, hands down, the little hooky thing works perfectly. The downside is that of course we need the little leather "keepers" to hold the strappy-ass ends down.

Maybe all the buckles are just to facilitate the little leather keeper things, I think there are two of those for every buckle, aaah, diabolical indeed, distract me with a plethora of shiny buckles when it is really all about the little leather loops with dreams of world domination.

That doesn't explain the saddle fittings though now, does it? four girth buckles? really? this is, of course assuming you don't have to use a girth extender (because, you know the buckles that are already there aren't really useful for tightening or loosening anything). Then, of course, we have the buckles on the stirrup leathers, which, after they are buckled, tried, punch a new hole, nope, now they are uneven, should I wrap them, argh, now they are too short goddamnit!- tuck nicely into the flesh on the inside of your thigh right above your knee. This is to keep them out of the way of the series of 15 straps that attach the stirrup to the saddle, their job is to pinch the fat on your calves.

That is all before I even TRY to get on. Why is the girth never tight enough? Why must my saddle slip towards me every stinking time? Why God? Why? I tighten the buckles, I really do, as goddamn tight as I can, yet, without fail, I almost fall and smush the junk in my trunk. Now my leg is up over my head and I am pinwheeling trying not to die. So now, I have to f*cking start all over with the goddamn buckles again. Jesus!

Okay, this time I make it quick, I am up and SHIT! where is the saddle? Oh that's right, I forgot, I am sitting on it, Englishmen had a real funny sense of humor . Ha ha, real funny, assholes.

Off to die, Ciao!