I have been a naughty blogger, and I totally neglected my blog yesterday. I think my creativity was spent finding appropriate pictures of zombies for Tuesday's blog (I have a thing for zombies, fast and old-school slow). Anyway I spent most of yesterday trying to buy a new show saddle, which I am sorely lacking. I think I found one, but I am determined to actually listen to my trainer's advice this time, so I had to send links and emails and call the company etc.

The last time I bought a saddle I didn't really listen to my trainer (this was quite a few years ago and I was JUST starting) Well we talked about starting to show western and what outfits might be slimming etc... and of course because I am kind of a fat old bag we talked about darker colors, etc to "fool the eye" (good luck with that one!). So, although my trainer told me to buy a light color saddle, I figured, hey, I show really small open shows and I suck, so if we are trying to hide my fatness with dark colors, why not get a dark saddle, that way no one will be able to see the true circumferance of my thighs. You can imagine my surprise, three years later when I am the ONLY one not riding a crazy-ass Arab who has a dark saddle.

My poor trainer... why has she ever kept me? It must be my pure perserverance. I can imagine the conversations she must have had with her husband " I know, the bitch just keeps showing up, Oh well, can't get rid of her, may as well teach her how to ride" and she did!

So, like my excruciatingly deliberate and patient sister, who never buys stupid, I am waiting and researching and I vow to take my trainer's advice if she doesn't think the saddle fits.

me. want. saddle. hurts. to. wait.....

It is nothing spectacular, but it is nicer than nothing, which is what I have now.

Didn't ride the 'Burglar last night, the roads were terrible, and getting worse. I am usually not one to punk out on riding, but I don't like ditches, which is where I would have ended up.

Today's topic is going to be 4-H. I hate 4H, I would say at least in my county, but honestly I don't think it is any different ANYWHERE.

I overheard a conversation at my barn where the mother of a national caliber exhibitor was quoting her father. He is not a horse-guy but his comment was, upon seeing his grandson at 4-H fair "God I didn't think it could get any worse than high school equestrian teams" Oh, it can, grandpa, it can...

Now, I took jumping lessons when I was a kid, but never did 4-H we didn't even really know it existed. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved it, I am sure, but I am glad I never put my poor parents through that nightmare.

4H is supposed to be a place where kids can show off their hard work and animal husbandry skills. Sounds all lovey-dovey right? I mean who can argue with the hippie-ness of that? Oh but the execution is so much more diabolical.

I think the kids that show rabbits, pigs, goats, sheep, cows and llamas have a great time, (as far as I know). Its the HORSE part that sucks.

Lets see, pick the crabbiest, bossiest most abrasive bitches you have ever met. Now put them in charge. Viola! you have the horse council. Now these cant be abrasive bitches that have ever actually accomplished anything, or know anything besides trail riding and bitching. No, silly fool! that would be MEAN! Then the good kids who know how to ride and show might actually win, and no one (on the horse council) wants that.

These crabby old bags have waited their whole lives to punish the good kids and now is their chance. If your kid is a gamer, and loves being a gamer, fine, be a gamer. But don't expect your nasty, hot-ass gamer puke to win the western pleasure, english pleasure, horsemanship, equitation, showmanship or... well don't expect to win anything but GAMING, O.K.? adding a "western pleasure for gamers" class so all the idiot horses can get a ribbon isn't going to make your kid's horse NOT suck, o.k.? You spent your $300, and you got $300 worth of horse, a gaming horse.

Stick with me horse council, it gets harder from here...

How f-ing hard is showmanship? really? We all know my opinion on showmanship, I hate it cause I suck at it. However if it was a REQUIRED class for the fair, I think I could cope. The showmanship patterns at fair are not hard, walk, trot, pivot, back. Maybe a circle tossed in for good measure. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. So instead of incouraging all the eventing kids, gaming kids and backyard kids to spend like 10 damn minutes the week before fair teaching their idiot horse not to rear and hop around in circles, what does the Horse Council do? Propose a showmanship class for kids who suck at showmanship.

Oh, you heard me right, apparently all your horse has to do is stand (good luck with that one) and be clean. Shoot for the stars! There is nothing you can't accomplish if you put your bitch-ass mom on the horse council!!!


Now, I am not posting any pictures because making fun of backyard idiots is one thing, but making fun of poor, unfortunate children is another. Here is my suggestions to "council" moms:

1) buy your kid a decent western hat. Goto TSC,they have nicely shaped straw hats cheap there. Stop making your poor kids wear ugly Dukes of Hazzard hats that are dusty and really, really ugly. See, don't worry HC mom's that didn't cost much now, did it?

2) If you can't do it right, do something else. A nice white shirt is SO much less vomit inducing than the wet-look stretchy whatever you bought at the tack sale for $10. Here is a hint HC mom, it is too small, too dirty and too ugly, throw it away, stop passing it from one back yarder to another at the tack sale every year!!

3) Make at least a half assed attempt to clean up your horse. If you went to all that trouble to chase it down with the 4-wheeler so that you could slap a halter on it, and if you spent 6 hours or so trying to shove it into the rusty, 1976 stock trailer, cant you spend 20 minutes washing it? Just a thought.

Last one, I promise, Horse Council moms? NO ONE and I mean NO ONE besides you and your other bitchy friends wants to see you ride in any sort of "alumni" event. No matter what they tell you, do not listen, they are just trying not to get their heads ripped off because they know you will do whatever you want anyway. I feel it is my duty to tell you this. Stop bringing the fair to a SCREEEEEECHING halt by stuffing your fat ass into your old barrel saddle and flopping around during the alumni versitility. It makes everyone very depressed, and a little nauseous.

Ciao!