Hello everyone, this morning it was a whopping -2 degrees, yay! I hate winter, I am a maniac about my lessons and I hate it when it is too cold to ride. Arrgh. Well the Turd Burglar was a little surprised to see me this past Saturday, I believe his exact thoughts were something like "Cripes, didn't we have a deal, Sunday, not Saturday" I totally harshed his buzz. He was a good boy though although I wish he would put his damn head down in his pivots, (he does it just to mess with me, I know it!).


Weekend riding is always pretty funny at my barn, that is when the beginners take lessons, I have nothing against beginners, mind you, I just can't stand all the "mommies" . I have a daughter, yet I have never been a "mommie". "mommies" go to Pilates and have tennis lessons, "mommies" "used to ride 'dressage' ", but haven't sat their child bearing hips on a horse in 20 some years. The conversations the mommies have are hilarious, they say things like "I have to start taking Pilates again so I can strengthen my core enough to ride" - I dare you to read that twice without throwing up, it cant be done.

Meanwhile, I am getting on my horse having never done pilates in my life! Cripes, how can I be ready for this? my core! I think there is a meltdown in my core! CodeRED!!! CodeRED!!!! Corpse Pose! Stat!


Oh, sorry, I just realized that apparently my core is just fine, because, unlike mommies, I don't just talk about riding, I get my fat ass on and ride! yuck!


Anyway, today's topic is sort of related to "mommies" (that is the last time I am going to put that in quotes, I am a chronic over-punctuator, I know it must drive my sister crazy but she never says anything, bless her heart). Today's topic is in-barn shows, showing and moving up. I will start with my personal favorite, "in-barn shows" . These are supposed to be fun for the kids, but every once and a while you get the mommie and the kid who take it WAY too seriously. These are the people who will brag to non-horse mommies about how Ashley or Taylor or whoever, "won second place at the show went to this summer". What they omit telling the poor sap listening to this crap is that it was an in-barn show. They omit that little fact on purpose, because even the stupidest other mommie can figure out that that doesn't mean f*ck-all.


Sorry but it doesn't, I am sure it was fun riding the 35 year old off the track thoroughbred at a walk and trot (because, even after 33 years off the track it still is too insane to canter) and over a 12" cross rail, but a retarded monkey can do that, hell I could do that! Um, now that I look at it, I'll pass...


Open shows are my next topic. I am talking about backyard, goobery open shows, not good open shows, after reading this, you will be able to tell the difference. Here is a clue, when the open show committee is hiring its judges to "test them out" for the 4-H fair, run away, run really far away!


When the only cards the judges hold are a 4-h card and a mini judges card, do not go to this show, you will not only throw up in your own mouth all day, you will be pissed off at yourself for PAYING to throw up in your own mouth all day.







If the judge is wearing a floofy, fruity skirt and hat, you do not want to be at that show, because it means either the judge is a witch in disguise or she is some sort of "gaited horse" fan, both are to be avoided like the plague -one can actually give you the plague -and it ain't the witch!- (not that I am starting rumors, I'm just saying...).


If an open show judge tells you during showmanship about all the "national titles" he has won, whilst admonishing you for lining your horse in front of him instead of yourself, that is a bad, bad open show.







If the announcer says, right after the pleasure classes are done and the speed classes are about to begin "Now lets have some real fun!" it is a bad, bad open show.







The next part of my blog is to the sad, sad souls who never move away from the open shows described above. How much fun is it to compete against the same three horses year after year, to a constant stream of crappy judges? Is it really worth the embroidered bridle bag as a year end award? It is still a bridle bag from a crappy open show. I don't get it.


I know, some of you are saying Exes, don't be such a b*tch, some people can't afford more, or just want to try out showing. Look, you and I BOTH know those are not the people I am talking about, I am talking about the ones who go just because it feels better to win against scrubby, non-existant competition than to chance losing to good competition. And look, I have lost to both. But I beg you, don't just hang around a crappy open show long enough that all the competition dies of old age or cant ride anymore due to their rheumatism.

Rember, don't be an *ssHole!

Ciao!