The crash course in trail continues, I am officially dubious about our chances of success at the March show. My only chance is if the Burglar realizes that going as fast as you can is not the point of trail. I swear that the TB was a thoroughbred in a former life, oh, that's right he isn't stupid or crazy, so that couldn't be it! Trail makes our brainz smoke a little, but such a good boy!

It has been a whole two days and no one on the internet has called me an idiot, troll or a bitch, I feel kinda lonely.... Oh well I am sure I can piss someone off enough before the weekend. Apparently there are not that many people who find me funny, this is a little baffling to me because I am pretty sure I am hilarious, all my friends think so, and my mom does too. Doesn't that make it true?

Today I feel like emptying my mind of various opinions so here we go.

Can winter die already? really, and I like winter, I like it because I get to wear enough clothes to cover my fat and not be hot, but even I am getting sick of it. I hate when it is too cold to ride, which has happened way too many times this winter. Now the Burglar has to wear PJ's when I ride, and sometimes he forgets he has them on and scares himself when he turns a corner. This is not fair to the Burglar. Also it has to get warm so I can take off his hood before his entire mane and forlock rub out, the last thing I want is my sister and trainer to be able to tell me they told me so! It is a race against the clock at this point.

Thoroughbreds, I hate them, the only thing they are good for is making nice AQHA HUS horses, (sometimes) they can jump and run around really fast in a circle, they eat too much, spook too much, scream too much, and they are really, really stupid. They have no asses either, horses should have an ass. Oh and they have big, dumb ugly heads too. Anything that requires special feed so that it isn't too hyper to ride is a piece of shit. said it. not sorry. I know they are cheap to buy, but really if you want something that is cheap, stupid and ugly, why not buy an Arab? They at least can be ridden western (although this is debatable) and they are smaller so that when you fall off, it doesn't hurt as much. Above is a picture of a thoroughbred running off with someone, which is, I think, what they excel at.

This brings me to "saddle fit" why do hunter/jumpers and all english people have an obsession with saddle fit. "my horse rears" - must be saddle fit. "My horse bucks" - saddle fit. " My horse is retarded" - call the chiropracter and check your saddle fit. What kind of sissy horses do you people ride? I know they are always crippled but that is because you JUMP them over 11' jumps! not because their saddle doesn't fit. Hunter/jumpers LOVE to yap about how they never start a horse before it is like, 30 years old, thats the only way to get a normal useable lifespan out of those broken down OTTB POS's. Example at left, do YOU think this is a saddle fit issue?

Because god is merciful, I have no interaction with the actual people who do hunter/jumpers. I can only assume that I wont like them very much because I am sure that they probably hate stockhorses and it might turn into a Sharks vs. Jets rumble in which my gang wins.

So now I am an idiot.... tell me something I don't know!

Apparently my blog about Arabians didn't go over so well, imagine being offended by my humble ramblings? So now I am an "idiot", a troll and apparently someone "died and made me the brain of what is the best breed" (sic) . Look I keep telling people, you don't have to come here, but one of the more "unamused" decided to copy my entire blog on Arabs and paste it on Horse City. Now I stepped in it, I am now a pariah in the Arab world, -darn? Well today to show how equal opportunity offensive I can be I am going to talk about what I consider the harbinger of doom to all that is wonderful in the stock horse show world, the evil, senseless event called "reining".

Reining, as I have discussed before, is horrible. It has now become the "sport" of the backyard yahoo. I swear they only like it because they can fly around like idiots and wear ugly clothes. Let me start by listing everything I hate about reining:

-I hate the clothes: they are ugly, "ranchy" and did I mention ugly? example:

-I hate the tack: there is WAY too much going on with the tack, skid boots, breast collars (my fave), ugly saddle pads, ugly saddles, the possibility of Romel Reins (ug, shudder), and browband headstalls. mmmmm such a lovely picture.

- the horses, 14hh little palomino turds with long manes, are all reiners palomino? I think they have to be by law.

- the people: AQHA rule #5099-b (NRHA rule # 1) states that you must be "at least 6'4" tall and weigh no more than 100lbs if you are a man. If you are a woman, you must have scraggly trailer park hair that sproings out from under your hat and flaps offensively in the air" that is a direct quote from the rule book, mmm so pretty....

-the event itself: it is graceless and boring as hell, I think dressage is more interesting, and I think you all know how much I hate dressage - I hate dressage A LOT.

Now I am sure that there are some super-fantastical reiners out there that make the saints weep with their grace and beauty. I'm just saying that I have never seen one. The only ones I have ever seen never stick their spins, their "slides" consist of jamming thier back legs in the ground, and their lead changes suck ass. The pattern is stupid big fast circle. small slow circle, crappy lead change.... it is about now that I wander off to get a pretzel and shuffle around going "Christ! how long is this going to take?".

'But Exes,' you say, 'I know reining is a hideous boil on the backside of the stockhorse industry, but how is it the harbinger of doom?' Well let me 'splain:

It wasn't long ago that every back yard quarter horse owner thought that Flash could do western pleasure, they were damn sure and some even insisted on showing in it. When they found out that they had to actually clean their horse and train it, they decided that western pleasure was boring anyway and went on a search for a new event.

Cutting, and roping requires some skill, and cows, and since we can't even bother to clean our horse for a show, there is no way we are gonna try an find some cows, or some skill. And so reining was invented. Hey its half the fun of horsemanship and you don't have to groom! 'thats for me!' . (be patient I am getting to the "doom").

And so with the rise of reining and the 'beautiful' long manes that backyarders love so much, a marriage was made in hell. Spring is trumpeted no longer by the song of migratory birds, but by the postings on bulletin boards about long manes.

They usually start off something like

'Here is a picture of Dusty (insert picture of thick-necked ugly-headed long maned horror here) I am so NOT cutting his beautiful mane. What should I do with it for showmanship, halter, horsemanship and western pleasure' .

Then someone says "cut it"

and then some other sympathetic yahoo comes on and says, "Oh no! you don't have to cut it, blahbitty blah showed at the Worlds with a long mane and won!"

and then someone (o.k., Me) says "cut it anyway, long manes are not a trend"

and so it goes on and on....

The dream:

The reality:

The thing that scares me is, what if the yahoos are right? What if "long beeee-yoooo-ti-full" manes make a comeback. Dear god no, it burns us. argh!

Ciao!

Trail Burglars and brainless twits.

Turd Burglar was such a good boy yesterday, I rode him in the evil ball spurs, and he was a pretty good boy. We are on a crash course in Trail for the March show, the poles are soooo good for the Burglar, we have to use our brains and it is very hard! I LOVE the poles, tight turns all of it is really fun, Burglar rushes too much though, patience Burglar, patience.....

Sunday was fun, I went early to miss the weekend instructor and her train wreck clients. Looks like there might be some more sweet 25-50 people around yay! not as awesome as the "magnificent 3" (me, J & L) but hey, you gotta start somewhere. So exciting to be the "old timer" and not the new guy who doesn't know anything (ha ha teenagers! thinkin' you are so cool) .

I am having a hard time coming up with anything funny today because mostly I am sick and mouth-breathing and it saps all my humor. I think I will pick an easy topic today, stupid horse breeds.
Stupid breed # 1: Arabs. I know, I know its so easy, there is so much material. I will try to make it fresh for you. What are arabs actually for? I mean besides spooking. I guess they can to English classes, but really what horse cant do english? But look at this:
These horses are too small for grown-ups and too stupid for children. Adults really do look like idiots on Arabs, they may as well be ponies, no one over 13 should be allowed to own one. Plus look at all the freekin tack this woman has to use on that thing. yeech. mmmm, nice breeches by the way, lady.

The only thing worse than an arabian doing english is an arabian doing western, ...........

Sorry I had to go throw up. People love to yap about how arabian are great at western and that they can do everything and never run around crazy and act like retards. These are all horrible lies. I just want to point out that while hunter/jumper idiots like to drone about how stock horse huntseat is really "wenglish" or western in english tack, I give you "arab Western pleasure". What kind of horrible mockery of an event is this? These people FLY around the pen jingling and jangling, heads in the air zooming circles around the judges, how is this western pleasure. Sorry to all the stupid breed loons out there, only stock horses should do western. Period. I don't want to hear your arguements, you are wrong. Here, lets compare: This is some sort of "competition" called the Scottsdale Classic, apparently it is a great big deal to arab horse people. Sounds stupid to me.

Now look at this in comparison:

It is obvious to even the untrained reader which animal is superior, the stock horse, exactly. Both these men (well only one man, really) are riding in western gear, but only one looks cool. Really, men shouldn't ride arabs, there, I said it and I am not sorry.

Oh, and lets not forget my all time favorite discipline, Saddleseat, arabs can have saddleseat, or they can duke it out with all the other airhead breeds for the rights to it for all I care. The whole thing makes me want to poke my eyes out with dirty pencils, I hate it that much.

Here, look at it! Its like picking at a scab, isn't it? There is some sort of "sport" called "endurance" that arabs are supposed to be great at. I think it is when the horse tests your endurance for not killing it.

My favorite is when arab owners claim that their horses are actually smart and that is the reason why they act so stupid. This cracks me up, then again if you own an arab, maybe the horse is smarter than you..... hmmm.

Someone posted on a bulletin board that I frequent that they wanted tips to help their friend, who had had a couple bad falls, get more confidence riding. The problem was that the horse she was currently riding was an arab and it spooked all the time because (and this is the humorous part) the arab was sensitive and could tell the lady was nervous, so thats why it spooked. Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, that is about all I have to say about that. Ciao!

Finally got to ride the darn TB last night. He was not pleased. First I pull him away from his delicious grain, then I strip him naked, slap a saddle on him, shove my big ol' Robarts Spring Loaded Spoon mouth in his gob and hop on. My punishment for not riding enough was apparently to take away my lovely, effective, yet twitch-inducing, pokey spurs and give me evil ball spurs that do not poke enough. TB was, as always wonderful when we started, then we did patterns which he did not find amusing at all. My trainer thinks he got cold and started acting all hot and dorky. Next time he gets to wear Pajamas so he ain't so cold! Poor baby (but he was kind of a turd).

I must say his mane is looking pretty sweet right now, think old, dirty wig at the bottom of grandma's hope chest. eeew. shudder! It is only about 3 inches long, but it is all scrunchy and matted, blech. He is shedding like a beast though and if I wasn't such a slob, I would be able to find my rubber curry and give him a good going over, hmmm maybe Sunday.



I did a quick internet check to see if I had milked enough humor from "classical riding" and although I am sure it has so much more to offer, I am easily bored, and so, I move on...

Today I am going to talk about barns and barn culture. There are several different types of horse-loving creatures at the barn. Teenagers are always to be found at a barn, they are like barn cats, only more shuffle-y. I like barn teenagers actually, for the most part horsie teens are pretty funny and friendly. Every once and a while a mope will shuffle in and grunt at you while working out their teen angst, but otherwise a pretty amenable bunch. Plus I like to make fun of them in the clinics and they have to respect me because I am old. Ha. Ha. The 18-25 crowd are mostly in college, every once in a blue moon they will shuffle in and visit (notice a distinct pattern of shuffling with the younger set?) It is always good to see them because, lets face it, they are last year's teenagers, only now they don't dress as nice and they shuffle more.

The 25-35 crowd, now here is where you can get into trouble, there are many sub-categories in this age group, some of them pretty scary. the first sub-category is the professionals, that is the breeders, trainers etc, they're cool. Next come the "mommies" this is a group so sad, so forlorn that it makes my heart swell with happiness that I am not them every time they herd Taylor, Sophia, Jake, Tristan and Agamemnon in for their lessons on Sunday with the "weekend instructor" . Mommies are far too busy to make it out during the week, when any real riding is done. So they wake up all bright and sparky on Saturday and drive Aiden, Jaden, Caden, Braden and Hayden out for their quintuple lesson. There are usually a gaggle of mommies (gaggies, is the technical term, FYI) they plunk their big ol' khaki covered butts in folding chairs, cover themselves with blankets and blather the entire time about yoga, soccer, how Tanner and Grayson are doing at Sylvan Learning center and pee wee hockey. this is usually done while the smaller of the gaggies' brood scream and run around the barn trying to "feed the horsies". (is my revulsion coming through O.K?, cause, you know, I could ramp it up....)

The next category comprises me, and all the truly cool clients at the barn (3 of us) it is the respectably under 50 but no longer a "mommy". We have older kids, and now have the time to be truly great, which, you know, we are. Really what more is there to say?

The next group is the 50+ horse owners, you notice I didn't say riders, because there are 2 types of 50+ people at any given barn. The first type are the "select" riders, you can tell this group has been showing since the beginning of time , because their mantra is "it just doesn't matter!" they put their horse in training, because they don't really ride, they have been riding so long that really, what is the point? So they hop on at a show, go in the 50+ or "select" classes, crash around, win and call it good. Don't try to teach them equitation, its not that they don't want to be better riders, its that they just dont really care enough to try to be better riders. My pet name for them is "old bags" , because truly, that is what they are. Rowdy, hilarious old bags.

The second group of 50+ horse owners are the "old hags" I touched on them in the "classical riding" post. These are the sour, bitter dregs of humanity. They are either "dressage" freaks because they are too scared to jump anymore (not that I blame them for that) but still don't really ride. They can also be rabid parelli freaks who need to 'desensitize' poor Jasper before they ever ride him. Jasper must be really, really spooky because it takes them about 5 years to "desensitize" their horses. The old hags can also be women that used to own horses, or their kids owned horses a jillion years ago, if that is the case they usually spend their time sticking their nose into other peoples business to tell them what they are doing wrong. The last 50+ group are the "rescuers" which usually goes about as well as you would expect it to.

Ciao!

Just proving my point...

I pulled this off a comment board, just in case everyone thought I was making up the hot airy-ness of the "classical riding" post:



"After my Nuno Oliveira comments I decided she just wasn't worth wasting finger-typing on anymore. Anyone who starts quoting crap like that to justify their BYBing habits...well, wasted effort.I had a trainer out today, he was kind enough to drive two hours to get here. He works Californian Vaquero style, after the man who introduced western riding into Austria, Jean-Claude Dysli. Sadly, Dysli has just talked him into going to Andalusian. So, that's another trainer gone. It's hard to find classical trainers here.He rode my black stallion while here, was interesting to compare his style with the style of my previous trainer who recently passed away at the age of 47."

Read that again, it really is worth it, what a load of shit. Classical riding, I just threw up in my own mouth. "Californian Vaquero" what the hell is that? Someone sold this Austrian a big smelly load o'goods, can you imagine the Euros she is shelling out? Her "black stallion" (WTF?), Jesus F-ing Christ!

The "masters" that idiot mentioned may be great for all I know, but If I were them I would seek out every moron who utters crap like that quoted above, and beat them to death with my dressage derby or whatever the hell it's called.

Here is another gem from a "classical riding"
"During her adult years, Diana has learned from many talented instructors - each of whom she thanks for giving her one or hundreds of valuable pieces to the "puzzle": Leni Clifford of Dedication Farm, Tom Larson, Bent Jensen, Charles DeKunffy, Stephanie Millham of Catlett, VA, Bill Biggs of California, Mari Zdunic (protege of Chuck Grant) of Michigan, Dr. Sherry Ackerman of California, Wendy Carlson (R) of Maryland and Bettina Drummond of Connecticut."

Cripes! how old are you? 96? what is it with dressage wipes and name-dropping? is it required or something? I am sorry but if you EVER mention the words "classical" and "riding" in the same sentance, I hope you choke on your cumberbund. I think we should close our boarders to fruity eurotrash. They are going to steal all the sneering and snide comments from our fruity Amero-trash dressage wipes.

yuck, I have to go brush the vomit out of my teeth now.
Good Bye!

STILL pissing off Fuglies (apparently) and "Classical Hags"

**Note to the 3 people who read this blog, I am now moderating comments 1) because I can, and 2) because aparently that chick from Fugly keeps coming over and posting inane comments from herself and some other "anonymous" person and although they SAID they were done and would quit coming because I had nothing educational on my blog (WTF?!?!). What they want is the last word, and, as all of you that know me understand, that ain't gonna happen. Nor do I want to spend my time answering really lame barbs from Fugly freaks. Ha Ha Ha, eat it Fuglies.**

My totally and completely unrelated topic today is about my new favorite type of horse people, crabby dried up has beens and never was-es. They have ALL the info and they will crabbily share it with you whether you want it or not. See, you are doing it wrong, I don't care what it is, its wrong and stupid, ugh! why do I even bother! Uber bitchy "classical" riding bitches. These are the ones who "trained" with some trainer I am supposed to have heard of (people, I do QH, I do not know any of your so-called "masters" so name dropping really isn't helping) about 400 years ago when the flunked out of college. So they hung around Karl Shmizenhauzer (I made that up) and "learned how to really ride" but never actually won anything or went anywhere.

Look, my grandpa claims to have danced with Flo Ziegfeld, but guess what gramps? NOBODY CARES nor do I want to hear how crappily the "kids today" are dancing. Anyway, I digress, these old bags, who can't bring themselves to ride anymore because everything sucks so much now-a-days, often open up "Rescues" . Mmmmm sounds nice doesnt it? poor embittered has beens giving all their attention to their 45 year old lame blind three legged broodmares? If you kiss their ass, A LOT, they might take you in as their little toady, then you can listen to all the stories about how riders today don't know crap, and if they had studied with Xenophon like she had, well things might just not suck so much.

These ladies cannot laugh, because nothing is funny, you see, not when poor no-headed Tennesee Walking horses with cushings, laminitis and scurvy are suffering, you unfeeling asshole!

Why bother showing those droopy, on-the-forehand western horses you whipper snappers seem to love these days? Don't you know I already won everything worth winning? well, my trainer Quetzalquoatol, the ancient native american master did, anyway, and I was there! Well, they hadn't invented horse shows then, but if they had he would have rocked. So Agnes or Petunia or whatever their names are just sort of HANG AROUND horse events and mutter stuff under their breath, hoping someone will say "I'm sorry, did you say something?". Don't ever do that, it is like blowing the horn for the Kraken! YOU WILL BE DEVOURED!!!!!!!

They are always unmarried or divorced (gosh I wonder why? they seem so pleasant) childless, and totally broke. They are broke because they spend all their money going to auctions and picking up the latest hard luck story, then they can tsk tsk all the people who did nothing, NOTHING! but stand by while the 75 year old no-eyed former cart horse was going to go to the meat buyers!! They hate slaughter, or love it , I stop paying attention right about then.

Only THEY , the anointed ones, can see a diamond in the rough, you see the horse on the right? all it needs is some groceries. That one is a beautiful horse, I must buy it and maybe even breed it cause only I know what I am doing. all it needs is a little food and all my love!

They love the Dr. Cooks bitless bridle, because you know EVERYTHING they own now was abused by some show person see-sawing on their horses mouth. But in reality they ride maybe 3 times a year so go for it Beulah! I love when they roll into a show, cause then you actually get to hear all the reasons why they didn't win (which they never do) "well that kid kept running up on us!" "my horse was abused by a clipboard before so he is scared of the judge" "well if I paid 40 kagillion dollars for my saddle I would win too" no, you wouldn't Agnes, you wouldn't.

Now I've done it!

Ciao!

Oh, dear Lord, I try to be good, I really try. Then you make me go to the 4H tack sale, and now I am sure to secure my place in hell.

You know those horse barns that aren't very clean, that have a mixture of hay, dirt and little scraps of useless, dirty leather horse-related things in the corners. Now imagine you take a shovel, scoop out all that crap and dump it on a table. THAT is what the tack sale is like. Doesnt' anyone own anything decent that they want to sell? You dont HAVE to sell stuff, you know, I know you loved your old crap from the '80s but no one wants it, they don't want it even if it was free, which it isn't.

Anyone who says that the United States is a "throw away" society has obviously never been to a 4H tack sale. I have been going to this same tack sale for over 5 years now, and to the lady with the dressage saddle that is so sun faded that it is now a lovely army green color, no one is going to buy that thing, why don't you GIVE it to a really poor kid or donate it to a theraputic riding facility or something. If no one wanted to pay $1 for the ugly, upholstry fabric bright purple vest with gold sequin slashes on it LAST YEAR the chances are pretty good that you can throw it away an not feel guilty about it.

The tack sale is funny because you have the cheapest people on earth both shopping and selling, so when they have something they consider "good" they ain't givin it away, you can be sure. So the cheapest people on earth are sniffin around and turning up their nose at the very same crap that they themselves are attempting to sell on their own table. It is a very surreal experience. No, you aren't going to get a Harris saddle for $300 bucks, but NO your 25 year old used up Steve Flick saddle isn't worth $3,500 dollars either. $200 for a low-midrange show halter? Is this a bargain? not really, you can get a low-midrange one for that price that is new AND clean!

Here is a tip for anyone looking to outfit themselves for showing at the 4H tack sale, this is a band uniform, as far as I can tell it is a simply lovely band uniform. What it isn NOT, however, is a show shirt, as a show shirt it is ass-ugly. Do not buy anything with bones on it, you know those "Adam and the Ants" shirts from 1982? Unless you plan to roll as a dandy highwayman, step away from the table.

So what should one buy from the 4H tack sale? I liked the popcorn, that was good. Why are all the bits at a tack sale 4.5"? What horse has a mouth that small? the answer is none. They are at the tack sale because when they were purchased they were too small, and now you are hoping that some other idiot will buy them just like you did. Oh, something else, steer away from sequins, they are universally horrible, especially when they are tarnished sequins (oh, yes I did see that!) on a garment that was gotten when the ringmaster of Barnham and Baily circus thought it was too ugly to wear. It had gold, purple, green and black tarnished sequins

So what did I find? a pair of spurs for a few bucks less than I could buy new, and I don't have to wait, hey I consider myself a winner!

Ciao!

Hello,

Aside from being terribly ill today, (o.k. UPS needed a signature for my saddle AND I happen to be terribly ill) not much going on. I am having horrible dreams about the Burglar, last one was that he went all crazy on me and my trainer was sure he was now a horrible puke. I also dreamed that the headstall I brought to show in was a browband headstall it was really ugly and I had to show in it, OH HORROR OF HORRORS! I have been sick, what can I say? I miss riding the Burglar, I even watched RFDTV today, so you know I miss my horse.

RFDTV is great entertainment, but mostly it is pretty boring. If you like hearing Pat Parelli drone on about what ever it is he drones on about, I suppose it is enthralling. Mostly his show is excruciatingly boring. Clinton Anderson has a cute cowboy butt, however, he needs a new hat, I hate his hat, it looks like a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a white plate. Oh and Clinton must never open his mouth, ever. His voice sours milk and makes crops die in the field. (I have evidence).

What I don't understand is what did all the bitter, horse loving spinsters do before natural horsemanship? I mean did they own horses anyway? Probably, lets face it, their horses aren't much better with Parelli anyway.

The commercials are the best. I saw a commercial for the "no buck" trainer which is some sort of contraption you put on your horses head so he doesn't bronc you off. The best part of the commercial is that the people look like they are having just about as much fun before the "no buck" trainer as they are after the "no buck" trainer - which is none at all. The goober on the commercial is definitely going to be sterile, but that isn't really a bad thing now that I think about it...

The other commercial I saw was for "road to the horse" which is some sort of colt starting competition. Oy Vey! what a spectacle that looks like! It is some sort of event where a bunch of crabby old bags are led into an arena and whipped into a frenzy by big bouncy balls and ropes-on-a-stick. The natural horsemanship trainers lasso one of the spinsters and attempts to get them to stand on a box and jump over cow colored barrels or something, then they let them loose into the wild to own cats and piss and moan on horse bulletin boards on the internet. I was taking robitussin at the time so I am not so sure about that last part.

The picture shows Pat Parelli with the spinster he lassoed in last years competition, I think she lives on an equestrian community now and condems all the people who ride their horses as abusive.

Ciao!

Pissin off the fuglies...

Oh joy, It appears that I have COMPLETELY pissed off everyone on the Fugly Horse of the Day blog, they told me to that nobody likes me and that I should go away. So I did. I am completely unable to behave myself on the horse bulletin board sites, mostly because there is some really, really huge butt nuts on them and I manage to always piss them off.

Funny thing is, I posted what I consider a very amusing blog about hunter under saddle yesterday morning, completely unaware of the poo-storm I would fan on Fugly.

Anyway, so last night was the dreaded HUS clinic, managed to do O.K. the Burglar likes HUS because he gets to run, and run, and run Weeeeeee! What a very bad Burglar. He is eeeee-vil, this is his diabolical and cunning plan. I have to ride huntseat every so often so I can pretend that I may show in it one day, and my trainer can pretend she believes me. The Burglar knows this, because of his amazing powers of reasoning, and all of his PhDs. So, the Burglar is slowly poisoning me my making me build up so much lactic acid, that my liver shuts down and I drop dead. It's like the Da Vinci code in its complexity, but it is, none the less, a very cunning plan...

My darling husband, has been ordered, as his special Valentines day gift, to go to UPS and pick up my saddle, because UPS thinks that the roads we live on are too dangerous to negociate. Do they not know the importance of this magical talisman? I must have it today or I will drop dead, it is that serious. Ugh, I am spent.

Ciao!

Death of a Turd Burglar and "World Domination"

I REALLY hope my saddle comes today, ME WANT IT! it is a magical mystical saddle and will not only make me happy but will make the Turd Burglar go around perfectly, and no longer burgle turds. I will have to change his nickname to ShinyHappy PerfectPants. I am going to a clinic tonight, a hunt seat clinic. I never show hunt seat, and I never practice huntseat. The Burglar moves forward fine, what more is there to practice?

Actually the reason I never practice is twofold, one, the posting trot is not exactly ol' Exes strongpoint, if you know what I mean. But the second is actually just as off-putting. Seriously, what the hell is the fascination huntseaters have with buckles? They are EVERYWHERE buckles on the bridle, the stirrups, four on the girth, buckles on the reins. Cripes! and can I just add that how come none of these buckles are ever short enough, or long enough or "oh I need a half-hole" enough.

The bridle alone is an engineering nightmare, just look at it, there are like 8 buckles on the bridle alone! I don't even think that is counting that flappy nose thing (I know it is a "flash noseband"-not shown here- and apparently it is very important - research shows if you use one it stops your horse from opening its mouth wide enough to choke on a buckle - CAUSE THERE ARE SO GODDAM MANY OF THEM!)

Why do we have to have a buckle on the reins? just asking, I mean really is it just for decoration? I will tell you they did a total of 4 'attachments' correct in the English strappy-buckley world, those are the attachments that hook the reins to the bit, and the headstall to the bit. Those are the easiest damn attachments in the horse world, hands down, the little hooky thing works perfectly. The downside is that of course we need the little leather "keepers" to hold the strappy-ass ends down.

Maybe all the buckles are just to facilitate the little leather keeper things, I think there are two of those for every buckle, aaah, diabolical indeed, distract me with a plethora of shiny buckles when it is really all about the little leather loops with dreams of world domination.

That doesn't explain the saddle fittings though now, does it? four girth buckles? really? this is, of course assuming you don't have to use a girth extender (because, you know the buckles that are already there aren't really useful for tightening or loosening anything). Then, of course, we have the buckles on the stirrup leathers, which, after they are buckled, tried, punch a new hole, nope, now they are uneven, should I wrap them, argh, now they are too short goddamnit!- tuck nicely into the flesh on the inside of your thigh right above your knee. This is to keep them out of the way of the series of 15 straps that attach the stirrup to the saddle, their job is to pinch the fat on your calves.

That is all before I even TRY to get on. Why is the girth never tight enough? Why must my saddle slip towards me every stinking time? Why God? Why? I tighten the buckles, I really do, as goddamn tight as I can, yet, without fail, I almost fall and smush the junk in my trunk. Now my leg is up over my head and I am pinwheeling trying not to die. So now, I have to f*cking start all over with the goddamn buckles again. Jesus!

Okay, this time I make it quick, I am up and SHIT! where is the saddle? Oh that's right, I forgot, I am sitting on it, Englishmen had a real funny sense of humor . Ha ha, real funny, assholes.

Off to die, Ciao!

Hello everyone, this morning it was a whopping -2 degrees, yay! I hate winter, I am a maniac about my lessons and I hate it when it is too cold to ride. Arrgh. Well the Turd Burglar was a little surprised to see me this past Saturday, I believe his exact thoughts were something like "Cripes, didn't we have a deal, Sunday, not Saturday" I totally harshed his buzz. He was a good boy though although I wish he would put his damn head down in his pivots, (he does it just to mess with me, I know it!).


Weekend riding is always pretty funny at my barn, that is when the beginners take lessons, I have nothing against beginners, mind you, I just can't stand all the "mommies" . I have a daughter, yet I have never been a "mommie". "mommies" go to Pilates and have tennis lessons, "mommies" "used to ride 'dressage' ", but haven't sat their child bearing hips on a horse in 20 some years. The conversations the mommies have are hilarious, they say things like "I have to start taking Pilates again so I can strengthen my core enough to ride" - I dare you to read that twice without throwing up, it cant be done.

Meanwhile, I am getting on my horse having never done pilates in my life! Cripes, how can I be ready for this? my core! I think there is a meltdown in my core! CodeRED!!! CodeRED!!!! Corpse Pose! Stat!


Oh, sorry, I just realized that apparently my core is just fine, because, unlike mommies, I don't just talk about riding, I get my fat ass on and ride! yuck!


Anyway, today's topic is sort of related to "mommies" (that is the last time I am going to put that in quotes, I am a chronic over-punctuator, I know it must drive my sister crazy but she never says anything, bless her heart). Today's topic is in-barn shows, showing and moving up. I will start with my personal favorite, "in-barn shows" . These are supposed to be fun for the kids, but every once and a while you get the mommie and the kid who take it WAY too seriously. These are the people who will brag to non-horse mommies about how Ashley or Taylor or whoever, "won second place at the show went to this summer". What they omit telling the poor sap listening to this crap is that it was an in-barn show. They omit that little fact on purpose, because even the stupidest other mommie can figure out that that doesn't mean f*ck-all.


Sorry but it doesn't, I am sure it was fun riding the 35 year old off the track thoroughbred at a walk and trot (because, even after 33 years off the track it still is too insane to canter) and over a 12" cross rail, but a retarded monkey can do that, hell I could do that! Um, now that I look at it, I'll pass...


Open shows are my next topic. I am talking about backyard, goobery open shows, not good open shows, after reading this, you will be able to tell the difference. Here is a clue, when the open show committee is hiring its judges to "test them out" for the 4-H fair, run away, run really far away!


When the only cards the judges hold are a 4-h card and a mini judges card, do not go to this show, you will not only throw up in your own mouth all day, you will be pissed off at yourself for PAYING to throw up in your own mouth all day.







If the judge is wearing a floofy, fruity skirt and hat, you do not want to be at that show, because it means either the judge is a witch in disguise or she is some sort of "gaited horse" fan, both are to be avoided like the plague -one can actually give you the plague -and it ain't the witch!- (not that I am starting rumors, I'm just saying...).


If an open show judge tells you during showmanship about all the "national titles" he has won, whilst admonishing you for lining your horse in front of him instead of yourself, that is a bad, bad open show.







If the announcer says, right after the pleasure classes are done and the speed classes are about to begin "Now lets have some real fun!" it is a bad, bad open show.







The next part of my blog is to the sad, sad souls who never move away from the open shows described above. How much fun is it to compete against the same three horses year after year, to a constant stream of crappy judges? Is it really worth the embroidered bridle bag as a year end award? It is still a bridle bag from a crappy open show. I don't get it.


I know, some of you are saying Exes, don't be such a b*tch, some people can't afford more, or just want to try out showing. Look, you and I BOTH know those are not the people I am talking about, I am talking about the ones who go just because it feels better to win against scrubby, non-existant competition than to chance losing to good competition. And look, I have lost to both. But I beg you, don't just hang around a crappy open show long enough that all the competition dies of old age or cant ride anymore due to their rheumatism.

Rember, don't be an *ssHole!

Ciao!

The Appaloosa Stink-Eye and "The Haves and Have Nots"

Well I didn't think I would have any Turd Burglar news but he never dissapoints. Apparently the Burglar splatted himself again. Lucky he has 80 million blanket layers on and there is 6" of snow on the ground. My sister laughs at me for that but really, I think he would be dead by now if he didn't "floof" when he splatted. What a dork! He has been on daily turnout since I have owned him and that has been over a year. You would think that going outside wouldn't be that amazing anymore, but no, the burglar gets SO excited!!!! He needs a hamster ball to run around in.

I wish I could say that my horse has friends, but honestly I don't think the other horses think he is very cool at all. All the mares hate him, and the geldings either ignore him or find him annoying. He is officially "pro-noid" which means that despite all evidence to the contrary he actually thinks other horses like him. Poor burglar! At least his mommy knows how special he is!

The Burglar's best-est friend is the spottiest damn appaloosa you have ever seen. They make quite a flashy pair, those two. The Appaloosa has many nicknames, Tickles, Spotty bastard, Crapaloosa and my personal favorite, Dirk Diggler. We call him Dirk Diggler after the character in "Boogie Nights" you know, the one with the ridiculously long - ahem- thingy. DD loves his thingy and he will happily show it to you no matter what the weather, time of day or occasion. Brushing, standing, showmanship, baths, feeding, sleeping, pooping, you get the idea. I must say not having many others to compare it to, it is an impressive thingy.

But I am getting off track, I promised myself that today I would explain the "Appaloosa Stink-Eye" . This is a magical thing that can convey every emotion, suspicion, curse and blessing that a given appaloosa might have, and DD has them in spades! The stink-eye is a powerful weapon, wielded only by the most crafty appaloosas. Below is a photo journal of the diversity of stink-eyes that appies can posess: This is the "golly, howya doin" stink-eye, don't fall for it, it is only meant to catch you off guard and lay one other, more diabolical stink-eyes on you. Like this one:

This one is a classic, it is the, "how far away is the Turd Burglar, and can I bite him before my mom sees" look. Very evil. It is a look so evil, that only those with the purest hearts, who happen to poop rainbows and when they do it smells like fresh baked bread and roses, can resist it's evil influence. Poor Turd Burglar, can you imagine such an innocent being of light subjected to the black hole of tricksy-ness that is the Leopard Appaloosa Stink-Eye. Now you know the Burglar's pain.

Today's topic is a short one, because the stink-eye is making me a little jittery. Today's topic is "horse minds - some got 'em, some ain't". I had a horse before the Burglar that sort of fell into the latter category. He wasn't stupid, that is not what the horse "mind" is all about. He was just an asshole. Actually, that was his nickname, "Asshole" because he really, truely was one. He was 11 years old when I bought him, he had been a halter horse for his first couple of years and did o.k., but wasn't lighting the world on fire or anything. Then he sat around and did basically nothing for 7 years and was bought by my barn owner for her daughter to do open shows and equestrian team on. Then he ripped open his shoulder on a stall latch through 3 layers of muscle and was basically out of commission for 6 months. The girl lost interest, I liked him, voila, a match made in hell.

I learned to ride on the A-hole, I learned to ride really well, actually, and my trainer turned him into a beautiful mover, not circuit quality, but really nice open show quality. Here is the problem. The horse was a rank bastard, he really resented you for asking him to do anything, I think we hit a plateau and the A-hole said "that is it, I am done, I WILL NOT try any more" . He was a sour bastard, it wasn't until I got the TB that I found out that you shouldn't have to smack your horse every 30 seconds in the cross ties because he is trying to bite you. I haven't ever had to hit the Burglar since I owned him. I had to smack the A-hole EVERY DAY! The final straw was went the A-hole bronc-ed me off when I asked him to do a turn on the haunches bridle-less. That's all it was, no spurring, no slapping or yanking, just stop and pivot and he BLEW.

Since my experience with the A-hole, I have come to appreciate how sweet some horses can be. Dirk Diggler is a perfect example as well. DD tries , you have to insist sometimes, but he never says, "no way, and if you ask again, you're dead" the Burglar is the same.

I know lots of people who had horses like the A-hole, they were crazy, lazy or broken in some other way. Most of those people moved up and they are much happier because of it. To anyone who has a horse like the A-hole I would say, "give up, give up now before it is too late and you are scared and discouraged and you quit horses altogether"

God, that was more depressing than I wanted it to be, here, this will cheer you up: "Parelli is a KOOK!" aaah that feels better!

Ciao!

I have been a naughty blogger, and I totally neglected my blog yesterday. I think my creativity was spent finding appropriate pictures of zombies for Tuesday's blog (I have a thing for zombies, fast and old-school slow). Anyway I spent most of yesterday trying to buy a new show saddle, which I am sorely lacking. I think I found one, but I am determined to actually listen to my trainer's advice this time, so I had to send links and emails and call the company etc.

The last time I bought a saddle I didn't really listen to my trainer (this was quite a few years ago and I was JUST starting) Well we talked about starting to show western and what outfits might be slimming etc... and of course because I am kind of a fat old bag we talked about darker colors, etc to "fool the eye" (good luck with that one!). So, although my trainer told me to buy a light color saddle, I figured, hey, I show really small open shows and I suck, so if we are trying to hide my fatness with dark colors, why not get a dark saddle, that way no one will be able to see the true circumferance of my thighs. You can imagine my surprise, three years later when I am the ONLY one not riding a crazy-ass Arab who has a dark saddle.

My poor trainer... why has she ever kept me? It must be my pure perserverance. I can imagine the conversations she must have had with her husband " I know, the bitch just keeps showing up, Oh well, can't get rid of her, may as well teach her how to ride" and she did!

So, like my excruciatingly deliberate and patient sister, who never buys stupid, I am waiting and researching and I vow to take my trainer's advice if she doesn't think the saddle fits.

me. want. saddle. hurts. to. wait.....

It is nothing spectacular, but it is nicer than nothing, which is what I have now.

Didn't ride the 'Burglar last night, the roads were terrible, and getting worse. I am usually not one to punk out on riding, but I don't like ditches, which is where I would have ended up.

Today's topic is going to be 4-H. I hate 4H, I would say at least in my county, but honestly I don't think it is any different ANYWHERE.

I overheard a conversation at my barn where the mother of a national caliber exhibitor was quoting her father. He is not a horse-guy but his comment was, upon seeing his grandson at 4-H fair "God I didn't think it could get any worse than high school equestrian teams" Oh, it can, grandpa, it can...

Now, I took jumping lessons when I was a kid, but never did 4-H we didn't even really know it existed. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved it, I am sure, but I am glad I never put my poor parents through that nightmare.

4H is supposed to be a place where kids can show off their hard work and animal husbandry skills. Sounds all lovey-dovey right? I mean who can argue with the hippie-ness of that? Oh but the execution is so much more diabolical.

I think the kids that show rabbits, pigs, goats, sheep, cows and llamas have a great time, (as far as I know). Its the HORSE part that sucks.

Lets see, pick the crabbiest, bossiest most abrasive bitches you have ever met. Now put them in charge. Viola! you have the horse council. Now these cant be abrasive bitches that have ever actually accomplished anything, or know anything besides trail riding and bitching. No, silly fool! that would be MEAN! Then the good kids who know how to ride and show might actually win, and no one (on the horse council) wants that.

These crabby old bags have waited their whole lives to punish the good kids and now is their chance. If your kid is a gamer, and loves being a gamer, fine, be a gamer. But don't expect your nasty, hot-ass gamer puke to win the western pleasure, english pleasure, horsemanship, equitation, showmanship or... well don't expect to win anything but GAMING, O.K.? adding a "western pleasure for gamers" class so all the idiot horses can get a ribbon isn't going to make your kid's horse NOT suck, o.k.? You spent your $300, and you got $300 worth of horse, a gaming horse.

Stick with me horse council, it gets harder from here...

How f-ing hard is showmanship? really? We all know my opinion on showmanship, I hate it cause I suck at it. However if it was a REQUIRED class for the fair, I think I could cope. The showmanship patterns at fair are not hard, walk, trot, pivot, back. Maybe a circle tossed in for good measure. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. So instead of incouraging all the eventing kids, gaming kids and backyard kids to spend like 10 damn minutes the week before fair teaching their idiot horse not to rear and hop around in circles, what does the Horse Council do? Propose a showmanship class for kids who suck at showmanship.

Oh, you heard me right, apparently all your horse has to do is stand (good luck with that one) and be clean. Shoot for the stars! There is nothing you can't accomplish if you put your bitch-ass mom on the horse council!!!


Now, I am not posting any pictures because making fun of backyard idiots is one thing, but making fun of poor, unfortunate children is another. Here is my suggestions to "council" moms:

1) buy your kid a decent western hat. Goto TSC,they have nicely shaped straw hats cheap there. Stop making your poor kids wear ugly Dukes of Hazzard hats that are dusty and really, really ugly. See, don't worry HC mom's that didn't cost much now, did it?

2) If you can't do it right, do something else. A nice white shirt is SO much less vomit inducing than the wet-look stretchy whatever you bought at the tack sale for $10. Here is a hint HC mom, it is too small, too dirty and too ugly, throw it away, stop passing it from one back yarder to another at the tack sale every year!!

3) Make at least a half assed attempt to clean up your horse. If you went to all that trouble to chase it down with the 4-wheeler so that you could slap a halter on it, and if you spent 6 hours or so trying to shove it into the rusty, 1976 stock trailer, cant you spend 20 minutes washing it? Just a thought.

Last one, I promise, Horse Council moms? NO ONE and I mean NO ONE besides you and your other bitchy friends wants to see you ride in any sort of "alumni" event. No matter what they tell you, do not listen, they are just trying not to get their heads ripped off because they know you will do whatever you want anyway. I feel it is my duty to tell you this. Stop bringing the fair to a SCREEEEEECHING halt by stuffing your fat ass into your old barrel saddle and flopping around during the alumni versitility. It makes everyone very depressed, and a little nauseous.

Ciao!

Pep Talks and "Mall Zombies"

Not much new on the Turd Burglar front, I had a lesson last night and an awesome pep talk about how far the TB has come since I bought him a year ago. Very cool. Our next show is in six weeks or so, and since I have learned so much about showing the TB I hope to do even better. It is so cool to actually learn and get better every time I show, I used to just get my old horse through it hoping there would be no embarrasing incidents, now I can actually think about my performance and make adjustments for the next time. I love the Turd Burglar.

Today's topic is another companion piece. My topic yesterday was "stupid" science, today I am taking on the ultimate stupid science venues, "equine affaire", "horse Expo" et al. These events are to horse kooks, what Mecca is to muslims.

They flock to these idiot conventions, Stacy Westfall tickets clutched to their bosoms. Like zombies headed to the mall after the apocolypse.

I dont see a difference, do you?

All the "science-y" items from yesterday's blog can be found at the equinehorseexpoaffaire in spades, including some kind of "clinic" held by the nut job who invented it, I am sure. Demonstrations of red light therapy and Dr. Cooks bitless (and far superior to the rusty chunks of metal you stuff in your poor long suffering horse's mouth) bridles, do-it-yourself chiropracticy (or whatever they would call it) natural horse trimming demonstrations and

aromatherapy for equines, (at $64 a bottle). The horse on the right looks like he is laughing at that idiot for spending money on that crap instead of riding lessons or training. Here is your typical list of presentations and clinics: "dressage" (the quotes are on purpose, remember?), MontyPatRobbinsLyonsParelli or Clinton Anderson on "naturalistic, empathetic horsinalities and green rubber balls; how to massage the inner spirit of horsitude", Stacy Westfall reining bridleless (J.C. can she just retire already, big GD deal!), The fabulous wonderfully majickal baroque fluffy warhorse extravaganza (in costume), acupuncture/pressure, My Favorite Idiot, Lydia Hiby, who apparently would like to show off the fact that she is getting bitten by this appaloosa:

Then you might get luck and see a rearing demonstration like this one:

That guy so looks like his is going to end up on his ass! He can also teach your horse to squash the green (or red) Parelli ball, sit on a bench and climb a ladder, all very important skills when the zombies come.

Then there is one of the most useless and stupid demonstrations of all time, which is a pretty big accomplishment at the equinehorseaffaireexpo, it is the thrilling, completely appalling in it's stupidity, Cowboy Mounted Shooting demonstrations. This is when a bunch of chuck-wagon idiots wiz around on mules or whatever it is "Cookie" would have owned and shoot guns full of blanks at balloons on a stick. You may be thinking, Exes, there has to be more to it than that!?! but I assure you, there isn't. What follows is my photographic evidence, people first get dressed up like this:

And then they do this:

There you have it folks, pretty much everything you need to know about EquineHorseExpoAffaire, now you don't have to go. You can thank me later, perhaps when the zombies run out of aromatherapy oil.

Ciao!

The Burglar Dominates and "Stupid Science"

Well I am back from the "Winter Spectacular". I don't know how spectacular it was, but I did pretty well. The T.B. was very good in our western pleasure class, this was our weakest class and we managed respectable placings in it. Horsemanship was a mixed bag, we knocked OUT our first pattern and placed really high, but sort of whizzed the rail work on the Ammy pattern. (how many times do I have to tell the T.B that this is not a race!!!) I don't know how he manages it but the T.B. succeeded in falling over on the way into the field the day we leave for the show. Apparently running forward whilst looking backward is not in the Turd Burglar's bag of tricks. You know it really is a good thing I don't do showmanship, because the Burgler looked like he was attacked by wild dogs. With the chunk out of his lip, (my trainer said he had an Elvis snarl), cuts on his big dumb legs and a huge bite out of his neck hair, he was not so pretty! Aside from cutting off most of my index finger on a dag nabbit horse shaver again both myself and the Burgler made it through the weekend in one piece.

Today's topic is "stupid horse science" and I will start with "Dr." Cooks Bitless Bridle. Wow, really you should check out his website for yourself: www.bitlessbridle.com. It's worth a look. Before I go on I would like to say that I do not care if some kook refuses to put a bit in their horse's mouth. Chances are (and trusting that god is mercifull) I will never be where they are and won't get to see the resulting hilarity, but I have a problem with soft-science crap like this choking up the brains of the feeble minded backyard kook. Here is a quote from "Dr." (PhD)Cook's website:

"when a bit is in place, sensory pathways signal the brain to think eat. Accordingly,the chewing reflex is invoked and the horse starts lip, tongue and jaw movements. Reflex salivation is also stimulated. Now the horse is saddled and set in motion, which signals the brain to think exercise. In this way a physiological conflict is set up between two incompatible functions. During exercise the sympathetic nervous system is dominant, whereas during eating it is the parasympathetic."

Um, "Dr" Cook, I don't believe you, I think you are full of crap. Stating something, and adding crap words like "parasympathetic" doesn't make it true. Let's start with "when a bit is in place, sensory pathways signal the brain to think eat.. Really? well since you have a PEE AITCH DEE and all I guess you know what you are talking about. But hey, I'll give the guy a break, lets all pretend that this is true, well then, the "Dr." insists that "Accordingly,the chewing reflex is invoked and the horse starts lip, tongue and jaw movements." then goes on to assert that these are 1. This always happens - crap - and that 2. it is not good -utter crap-. Prove it. You cant, but since you sound all "sciencey" you get kooky horse idiots to spend $115 to $200 bucks on your crap headstall that you cant show in (thank god for small favors) when a $15 dollar one from TSC would do just fine. "Dr." Cook you suck, and thanks, a-hole, for making a bunch of holier-than-thou backyard yahoos. thanks a lot.

The next I will admit, I have yet to see in action. But have NO DOUBT that some loon out there is happily spending their money on this crap. It is called "red light therapy" (Oh, I know, believe me it gets better) and here is the link http://www.karenscholl.com/shoppt.html. Good ol' Karen claims that this is "kind of like" accupressure and accupuncture but comes with a laminated chart and "photonic light" for $600 bucks. Their website claims "Popularly known as a "Red Light", the Light Therapy Torch is the only light treatment system which can be scientifically explained." Yay! alright, let's hear it Karen. Of course the link to the "scientific explanation" reveals: "In physics, we discuss that part of the electromagnetic theory, where electricity, gravity, and magnetism are all part of the one phenomenon. These are forces that can be measured and used, but as they cannot be seen, a number of concepts have been used to explain their characteristics. The points I wish to discuss relate to light, wavelength, colour, magnetic lines of force, and electric fields." Ugh, it goes on from there, but honestly, come on.

The next is equine chiropractors. I think that human chiropractors are quacks so can you imagine what I think of this dubious practice. The only one I ever saw in action would stack up two hay bales and basically ram on a horse's back. Now because the owner was a kooky "dressage" rider that never rode, she claimed it worked. I think it is crap.

Sorry this is so wordy with no good pictures, I promise I will have something visually stimulating tomorrow!

Ciao!